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03/29/2007
Still happy :S
I'm still happy.
I want to know what is wrong... I'm honestly not complaining, it's just a scientist's innocent curiosity. TBH it's really nice as I have a lot going through my head currently and am quite enjoying the chance to think things through minus: panic attacks, irrational fits and overly analytical bouts of logic. :P So to give you a sneak preview into my unusually tidy, calm and managable brain:
- Do I go to Cambridge, or do I go for somewhere with less pressure but away from home and giving me space and a completely new start?
- What can I do to make music at The Leys anything close to decent... how do I do this upsetting as few people as possible and in 0 time allowance?
- Do I continue music to A level? Is it worth it? Should I just concentrate on musical skills and performing?
- How do I deal with relationships I value very much....? Just a generally problem really, but one I want to sort. I don't seem to be able to do grey areas very well... I can see them in other people and *generally* accept them (apologies if you fall into the notable exceptions box), but I can't deal with them in myself. I have to have an opinion and I have to know where I stand, which then means I spend a lot of time feeling insecure and on edge when I really have no need to be - then putting other people on edge also creating a rather nice downward spiral.
- Linked to that... is it wort risking everything you have for one thing? Can you ever know unless you try?
- How can I fit in reasonable time for God and Church, both of which have got shunted away. GOd because I've been rigorously ignoring him and church because I am part of three and just getting stretched. Will probably say goodbye to Trumpington after Easter... and go back to sing as and when I am needed.
There are a few more items linked to that but I think I have decided about those. Items in italics are ones that I know what I'm going to do... I just need to be sure of my reasoning before I go ahead. Red items are ongoing issues... and all the rest are to do with music and need to be discussed in tutorial with Sue, if we can ever stop ranting/solving everyone elses problems which we both do in equal measure.
But I have Kestrels next week, which will give me time to think through everything and more with people there to lend a hand as and when is necessary.
I like feeling this calm, makes me feel like I might someday be able to manage my own life which is a good prospect.
Oh and btw: today I have done ZERO music practise ZERO organ practise ZERO revision ZERO packing ZERO tidying and ZERO much else. I've taken a day off, will do some maths later. And tomorrow is dedicated to music.
xXx
16:25 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
03/27/2007
Decision
Ok,
This will make absolutely no sense to most of you so don't try to understand it, I just need to write it down and here seems as good a place as any. Oh and those of you who do know what I'm talking about are unlikely to believe me anyway simple because I've argued so forcably against it for so long (The whole "too good to believe" thing). But this is what I think/believe/imagine/hope for now. It may change and if it does then I just start again, but hopefully it wont.
Never again. Not saying... "oh I'll try for 2 weeks..." or "If I can make a month I'll have done well". I'm not even going to aim for 3 months, or a year, or five years... No aim, no target, just simple fact. Never again. No allowance (a.k.a. expectation) or relapse. I have decided.
Along with that, it's not going to be easier. But I'm better than what I am atm. There are alternatives and they aren't even far away. Maybe if I just had the humility or strength or patients to use them I would get on a lot better. Maybe if I prayed too ? (You never know).
But there it is... Never again ...
God know's how I'm going to do this.
Praying he doesn't tell me just yet, don't want to think much further ahead than next week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other News deseves a seperate post methinks, but look out for news of dresses, big decisions, shopping, sailing + music.
xXx
18:57 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
03/25/2007
Explanation
Sorry to anyone who saw me crying in the middle or Parker's Piece this afternoon. I do not make a general habbit out of it, just particular circumstances and a very painful phone call demanded such a response. Ironically I now feel better despite the horrific chance of actually getting what I asked for :S. But that's just my peverse, irrational nature.
Apart from that had a good evening. Thank you to all those who provided me with *much needed* hugs. I'm not used to taking such destruction and drastic action against my own wishes so apologies for somewhat fragile attitude to life atm. Lovely evening at the Panton Arms listening to Bert play and solving life's mysteries with Sue (Tutor). Well actually working out how to bring life into the music department again and make people do music for music's sake and ENJOY IT. Which is what it is for.
anyway, I'm sure all of you have got to grips with my dissatifaction with the *dead* department we have now. Be satisfied that I intend to change that - yes I am attempting the impossible in less that 18 months... but what did you expect.
I'll let you know how that gets on...
Off to have a shower I think.
xXx
21:09 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
Photoblog of Nottingham - I'm not procrastinating! :P
So here is our Day to Nottigham to stay with John:
Walked around Campus and enjoyed the (cold) scenery with ice-creams later on.... !
And another set of 3 :P (John was highly insistent he did do *some* work
And Heather was fascinated by the Pavement Research Building
Sometimes we were Happy
And apparently sometimes sad :S
But mostly just weird!
10:40 Posted in Fun , Kestrels | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
03/24/2007
More smiles
Breaking a trend here aren't I...? Well that is the aim. And meh to all the people who say I can't
Wonderful day at Nottingham University today - it is a lovely Campus and really good for science :P Which is nice after everyone going on about Oxbridge for so long, strange to think how many second thoughts I am having about that now. Oh well.
Anyways! We went to see John (kestrles) friend... talked sailing, boats, Uni, faith, Bond, cooking, food.... everything. Was great to see Emma smile agai. :D :D Also, both car journeys went well with a healther spattering of David Bowie in the Labyrinth Soundtrack - excellent film and equally good music. Oh and Chicago.
I've no done as much washing as I am able to without doing the ironing first - which is a depressing prospect. :S Oh well... in all my copious free time.
Actually, on a serious note I need to stop filling my time with social events so I can get some work done. Seeing Phil tomorrow for a few hours along with Church and going into school to do music (Mr D and Hall so worried as to give me access to the music school over the holidays - isn't that reassuring!) and cleaning and church then Bert's gig in the evning... Monday, I will try to get over to Lizzie's and do some biology, Tuesday I am shopping with Mum, Wednesday I am doing music in school and then meeting Basil for coffee/he's over for dinner I believe... Sometime I am meeting up with ____ to rant about life and so we can both tell each other that
"you are not alone... just one baby step at a time ... take care ... Oh ____ ... it's ok"
And then argue back invariably with "BUT....!"
Lol. so typical.
Oh yes and packing for Kestrels. Still not amazingly excited about that, maybe because many of the people I trust are on A still (leaders etc) and also with the whole feeling so far from God. Though my sisters are both helping with that. Heather has started reading revelation and is asking so many questions - so I am referring her to C.S.Lewis, The Last Battle which explains a lot more than I ever could even if it hadn't been over a year since I'd read the book.
Oh and thinking of reading - reading the book I brought Emma for her Birthday - Dating Jane Austen Style... which is rather amusing and also quite sensible - maybe we should all go back and live in the early 19th Centuary ? (Discuss)
xXx
22:19 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Kestrels , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this
03/23/2007
"And by his stripes, we are healed"
V
No more school.... 3 weeks holiday now consisting of Revision
SAILING
And revision + visit to twigs hopefully. :D But mostly revision or more accurately, learning of the stuff that I misunderstood/didn't pay attention to in the last week weeks of term. (mostly biology and biological systems which are just confusing eg. oogenisis!).
22:33 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Faith , Life , School | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
03/22/2007
Happy
Makes a change....
Tonight I:
- Watched my little sister take responsability for her actions and (for once) decide to do something she didn't want to do, over something she did - she's no idea how proud I am of her.
- Watched my other less little sister play one AWESOME xylophone piece (and I heard her practising) and part of one of the best percussion ensembles I have heard in a long time.
- Worked out a "project" for next term... more later maybe, not keen on saying until it gets off the ground
- Saw Basil and Katie and Sophie and Jenny AGAIN :D and laughed... and joked... and talked old times (DT with Basil :P). You forget how much you miss people... and just how good some friends are. Just have to hold onto people like that because they don't come around often... teehee
- Arranged to meet up with various people next week.
- And my boyfriend said he'd be there to meet me afterwards even though I wasn't sure I'd be back. :D :D :D :D Actually made my day, however sad that is... and the fact that he didn't turn up is almost irelevent.
- And most importantly went to a concert that finally reminded me why I chose to do music A level, what I love so much about the subject, what is so amazing about it if PEOPLE ONLY PUT A LITTLE BIT OF LIFE INTO IT. The program was excellent, high quality all round with one exception, and particular mention due to the Madriguys (4 part BarberShop) Madrigals as ever, Junior choir and the Percussion Group.
Came back grinning ... and singing ...
Goonight
xXx
22:51 Posted in Fun , Life , Music , News | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
03/21/2007
Confusion
The thing about life.... is that you can't be two things at once. Sounds so simple, and obvious, but when it gets down to it, its much harder than it looks. Most situations involve being torn in two over an issue, when it is impossible to decide which course to follow because both are equally good, or more likely, both are equally bad.
The choice of the lesser evil is probably the hardest to make, and then you factor in fatigue, mild depression, loneliness, irrationality and a touch of panic and you get an almost impossible decision. Then of course the person making you take the descision becomes angry because you did. Because you came out with the wrong answer or behaviour. There is NO RIGHT ANSWER. And at the moment I really want one, because sometimes you just get sick of making the wrong decision. You get sick of hurting the people you love just by doing what they ask of you...
Because when you hurt the people you love, there is no one else you can turn to.
That's just the way it is. The one who hates you is the one you msot want to be with.
I looked for you
Standing in the crowd
Just a few meters ahead
But you didn't look back
I asked for you
Each person I saw
Spoke the same question
But nobody knew
So I stood
And I watched
Willing myself to stand still
Just as you asked me to
When resolve fails
I take those tentative steps
You look and you smile -
Delight that I'm there
Why cant you tell me
And tell me it straight
No contradicitons
And no vague suggestions
What do you want of me?
What can I do for you?
Where are the mistakes
That hurt you so much?
I can't double guess you any more.
I'm sorry.
And I would like to thank the maintenance staff for planting a whole load of pansies in tubs near the school office.... right where they will *never* get any light (except 15th-30th of June) and will die very quickly!
Unplugged tonight was Awesome.... after the first 7 or so numbers... Twig was awesome :D (*grins*) playing a very convincing drum line and looking very good doing so. teehee... I've actually done very well not to go on about him that much - which is good for me. So be proud! The later set of acts though were excellent, good singers (not ruining good songs) and some well played solos... Also quite impressed by the number of times Chris managed to feature in one evening, but never mind.
2 days left... 2 music compositions finished (well one completely finished and one in need of a set of performance directions etc so will be finished tomorrow in my free P2).... Then just proper composition to do... oh well will be ok.
Anyways, I have two cards to make and I need to pack (ish)... plus I need to find something to calm me down... ARGH... just has to be that all my friends are elsewhere... :( Oh well... good music and art - the way forward. Although lacking in the music.
meh
Goodnight
xXx
22:39 Posted in Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this