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02/24/2008
We always say...
"It will never happen to us..."
Even when it does happe, we then say....
"It will never happen again..."
And when all the signs point to it, or when nothing points that way at all... we always say the same thing...
"It will never happen to us..."
And then it does.
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Painting
Ok so I got home at roughly 4pm yesterday... and I went to bed at roughly 11:30 (ish ish ish).... I took 30 minutes out for food... so I spent about 7 hours painting. That is on top of the 90 minutes of so I spent that afternoon finishing off a card. This morning... I just scraped off about 10-15cm^3 area of paint because I decided it was slightly too thick and contained too much water and was therefore liable to crack. Indeed some of it already had.
It has been great fun - and the most ambitious painting I have ever attempted - but fraught. Seriously, I probably shouldn't ever paint for that long because the adrenolin rush alone is enough to make me incredibly restless. And yet you must maintain and inordinate level of calm and patience. I suppose it is like pushing away all impatience and nerves and just getting on with things (loosing yourself in your work so to speak) and then when you *get back* all that energy is still there.
I do need to remember to stop when I start to feel nervous or edgy... that is when I make mistakes.
Anyway, it has been good fun. Debating whether to stay home, sleep, do some music and finish the picture ... or go gaming. The former is more preferable. I am still exhausted, but I do seem to be sleeping effectively again which is a good thing. Still bouncing around about next week which is also good. Still simultaneously 2 weeks ahead and 2 weeks behind all my work. Still got to get up and get to school chapel in 30 mins! (oops)
I'd better run.
xXx
09:27 Posted in Complete Random Junk! | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
02/23/2008
A world to believe in...
Everyone believes in something. That fact is inescapable. Whilst we may denounce religion, faith, law, scientific research, animal rights, human rights, politics and even our friends or family, everyone believes something. People believe in their friends, people believe in their job or abilities and people believe in their affluence, estate and the power they hold. People believe they are right and they form opinions of the beliefs that other hold. Some people even believe in a God. In the worst scenario I suppose that a person could believe that nothing is worthy of trust. That is still a belief, albeit a desperate one.
Very few people believe in this world.
A free media report a degenerating and desolate world. We hear stories of abduction, murder, rape, genocide, poverty, debt, pollution, exticition, terrorism, disease, faillure, famine, war, drugs, deceit... And then the situation becomes worse, and suddenly we hear nothing. Who knows what is going on in Burmah now?
Hope seems to be a very personal thing. Does anyone dare hope for anything greater than a good home and secure livelyhood? People talk blithely of changing the world until quizzed, then they pour forth a host of reasons why the revolution must wait. First, they say, TNCs have to act, the government must pass more laws, celebrities need to take a stand. I have heard them call on the wealthy, the unemployed, the old, the young... in short everyone who is not them. Why does no one put their neck out saying, "I am here and I will stand for what is right, what is good,"?
Count the number of people you know who believe that there is hope for this world as a whole. Count the number of people you know who believe that change will ever happen on a large scale. Let me know if you need two hands.
How can we expect people to stand without hope?
I can't say that there is much I've hoped for at all in the past few months. I think that *getting by* has been the order of the day and much of the time I have ended up acting impulsively, going from pillar to post without any idea of where I am going or where I want to end up. As a result I've lost things and people I value, hurt those I care for and done a number of things I regret intensely. I understand why so many people find oblivion preferable - "drinking through the lies and broken promises".
Archbishop Rowan said something very curious today at his talk in Cambridge. In the Gospel of John, the first two things Jesus says are, "What do you want?" and "Come and see." He used this point in explaining what faith is and how people find it. He also said that it was a little like listening to Bach's St Matthew Passion... it could (is) be glorious, but to enjoy it fully you had to sit through the entire thing - no one ever advertises a "St Matthew Passion in 10 minutes". Neither is it always particularly easy to listen to.
As the Archibishops were talking this evening it was strange to watch everyone hanging onto thier every word. The building was packed, even strangers on the street were coming to the door and asking why "all of Cambridge are here tonight" ("It's like the blooming Tardis"). People laughed and they smiled, they clapped and then they were silent. Hard questions were asked and brutally honest answers given. The evening was packed with thoughts and ideas, intelligent answers that make no assumptions left much room for pondering - there was too much to take in in one evening. But I think near everyone walk away infected by the passion and realtistic hope that those two wise men embodied. No false promises or dreams of converting the universe, just a deep set hope in a world that we can believe in.
I now know why thousands flocked to hear Martin Luther King speak. Hope is infectious.
And for the first time in a good many months I began to think about what I could do - what I hoped for. It is important to know what you want, and to take the time to find out. But that is only the start... the harder thing is to take the risk and to come and see where that desire and hope will lead you.
I don't know where I will go, or where I will end up. I don't know what I will do with the time I have. I don't expect to be great or influencial. Neither do I particularly want it. I want to live a life that I wont be ashamed of. I want to do what I can, where I can for the people I meet. I want to find some sense of peace and wholeness in myself, not split myself over 2 or 3 completely different lifestyles and struggle to find the balance between them. I want to believe in this world and the people in it; that there is "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow".
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions." Proverbs 31:25-26
That is what I want. And I think that is worth the pain and trauma of "coming to see".
xXx
07:33 Posted in Faith , Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this
02/20/2008
Something someone said
"Oh... pity... I've not seen you happier all year"
I think that the most confusing thing about that statement is the accuracy. I don't remember being happier all year (for a protracted period)... But is that just how things would have gone anyway? Or was it being happy that made things changed?
Is my friend right?
What do I do now?
Most of all, how do I keep my head clear so I can do my work, music, dancing and all the other intricicies of life?
Answers on a post-card
xXx
14:08 Posted in Complete Random Junk! | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
02/19/2008
Going forwards, looking back
Haunted is the only word I can use. Nothing sinister or evil, nothing of the forboding one might generally associate with the word, but haunted nonetheless. The only thing to fear is the ever-present risk of becoming lost in the warm delights of peace and nostalgia. And that is a powerful risk. Just a strain of music - a favourite song seldom played - or an idle conversation and the floodgates open leaving you overwhelmed by things long since lost. Haunted.
Do you remember the walk up the hill, so tiring - even if you were lucky and had someone pushing you up? Do you remember racing up? Do you remember trying to dance bare-foot on gravel? Or the time when we ran to the bus-stop a pint in each hand (and a half for the sister) just so we could see a good friend off.
There we were: skirts over jeans over boots (or wellie); assorted tops, jumpers and coats enfolding our sholders - the epitomy of *odd* but oh, so in love with life. I remember I was ill that summer, but I don't remember anything else. Whatever ailed me has been lost in a haze of sun, light, music and above all... movement.
The polka in the concert - dodging sleeping babies.
Or stillness... Like when we walked to the beach the other side of the gardens. You tried to psycho-analyse me (who knows if you suceeded or not)... The horse was particularly amusing given later events, I have to say I think it was (from one angle) completely inaccurate - but maybe not. Do you remember just lying there? Or watching the waves?
Do you remember when you beat me skimming stones for the first (and only!) time?
I still remember the journey home. The saddest memory perhapse, or maybe just the hardest... the most vivid of them all. Staring through the window as the sea vanishes behind us. Almost too tired to stay awake when we visit friends. The familiar sights and signs as we reach the East... 50 miles, 20 miles, 3 miles ... home.
It is hard to believe I almost didn't stay.
So there we are - haunted.
xXx
(Note - the *we* or *you* refers to several people)
22:15 Posted in Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
02/18/2008
Mistake
I have just realised that most of my friends, and all the people who I have been wanting to see for six months will be at IVFDF next weekend.... and I AM NOT.
This is silly
I am going :P
xXx
13:10 Posted in FOLK | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
02/12/2008
~V~
I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, and I've known pain
xXx
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02/08/2008
Pondering
I suppose you can't deny your nature... however much you try. And I suppose also, that deep down, most of us know and understand that are freinds are who they are and we either love them for it or despite of it. (It is not unheard of to try and change a friend, but it is far more common to try and change a family member or partner.) Unfortunately knowing this does not make it any easier when the *nature* of one of your friends teases, hurts or mimics you - however unintentionally.
For instance, I just made my offer to KCL. And even though I am unlikely to go, I am more than a little extatic about getting a place. A lot more emphasis is put on actual performance that the other colleges I applied to and I was not that confident I would make it. I don't think anyone has surpised me in their response.
A: Takes the letter from me, reads, smiles and says, "That's all five then, Well done! ... nobody likes a geek", laughs and walks on
B: "Oh wow, that's amazing" - said hazily
C: "What was the offer"
D: Said in complete shock and surpise, "But we don't want you to go there."
All acted according to the set of principles and fundamental rules that make up their personality. None of them surprised me but they all effected me differently. A made me laugh and then I was smiling for the next 5 minutes (and still now remembering it). B's response was kind and caring but not particularly memorable. C's is practical and made me smile, more because I know I will be congratulated later when I see them. D made me cry (second time in two days but then again I'm tired).
I don't know what the moral of the story it? I don't even know if there is one... I suppose that you can't really expect people to change, and whilst they might curb some of their less pleasent aspects from time to time, usually they do not bother. D is capable of being incredibly kind and caring, and indeed of saying precisely the right thing at the right time. Yet today he decided to not. Either he felt it unnecessary, or he had a week that made thinking ahead to consequences a little difficult, or maybe he has not quite grasped the concept that I might ever have doubted I'd get in. Infact, the latter in the most likely.
Whilst I know all of this, and I know that the injury was anything but intentional. The comment still made me question whether I should have got in, or applied, or felt pleased that I had. It still made me wonder whether the only way I can make D happy is by complying comletely with thier idea of an ideal world. It made me feel rediculous for have said anything to start with.
Now that is *my* nature.
I suppose the questions that come out are...
- Can we ever know our own nature (as in the fundamental "rules" of behaviour and reponse that define our social interactions)?
- To what extent can we change it permementally?
- To what extent can others permamentally alter our behaviour and response patterns?
- To what extent are we able to control our normal behaviour patterns when circumstance demands
xXx
12:53 Posted in Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
My life in lyrics - Prizzes if you guess all the songs
"A touch of concealer beneath the eyes, a stroke of mascara gives a look of surprise"
"She likes to wake up in the morning and just fake it"
"So if you're thinking of leaving one boot out the door - it looks more like leaving to me"
"Bye Bye my old friend, never gonna see my face again"
"It's only forever, not long at all"
"Farewell friends, I hear the call, the ships beside the stony wall"
"I must go down to the seas again,
to the vagrant gypsy life,"
"I wouldn't have to answer for the promises I broke, like the president today when he drank and snorted coke."
"We hurt the ones we love the most. (It's a subtle form of compliment)"
"Love is a curious thing, butterfly's fragile wing"
"The father's song, the father's love, he sang it over me, and forever... it is written on my heart"
"Love to the loveless shown,
That they might lovely be.
O who am I, that for my sake
My Lord should take, frail flesh and die?"
"I'm flying high, defying gravity"
"Cause you are the wind beneath my wings"
"A champagne supernova in the sky"
"And nothing's gonna hold me back"
"And if it seems too much like happy ever after... maybe it will be, for a little while"
xXx
11:21 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Music | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
02/06/2008
She's slightly better
The management are pleased to announce that the entitiy know as "Ruth" is feeling better. She no longer has a temperature and has not thrown up for over 24 hours. However, she left the San at 1247 hours on the 6th February and has not actually managed to reach Granta yet. Any news on her where-abouts would be greatly appriciated.
Ruth has been very busy in the past week... So we apologise for any laxity in updating:
But this song really sums up a lot (Thanks Watson)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3bMen_apkTQ
xXx
13:43 Posted in Complete Random Junk! | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this