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04/16/2008
Mind-crazy musing/ranting/ARGH
I don't understand.
Ten thirty this evening I went to sleep. Put so much effort into controlling all those wonderful erroneous emotions that make life difficult. The utter conviciton that if I ring someone they will hold it against me and hate me for it... and simultaneously the *knowledge* that the only way to prove this conviction wrong is to ring them, feel guilty, hate myself.... and the spiral sort of becomes exponential at that point.
Now I know the entire catch 22 is nothing short of rediculous... but it takes a lot of energy to fight it and put it in perspective.
And I managed it.
Later I was woken from deep sleep - which I had found easily and naturally and quickly for the first time since the end of the holidays - by another phone call... and a number of implications within that conversation.
And now trying to get back to sleep... and it isn't working. AT ALL!
I appear to have used up my entire supply of energy to refute all the voices in my head tellng silly, false, cruel things. - "the other side of midnight is no place to be found" - It isn't fair how one part of my brain tells me people will hate me for doing something... and then forces me to do it anyway. It sounds self-destructive and I suppose in effect it is. But in various critical ways it isn't - I ***don't*** want to do what I do, I just have no power to stop myself.
I need sleep. I need to be fit and healthy and functional for my lifeguarding exam. I want to be slightly less erratic and able to enjoy myself by this weekend - although Stuart will probably help with that as well. I need to be able to keep on top of my work. I want to be able to tell the voices in my head just exactly where they can stick themselves.... And I can, some of the time, but not enough of the time.
It causes no end of problems.
And then of course the evil envious erroneous emotions evacute, evaporate even... as suddenly as they come.
And part of me ceases to believe they ever really existed.
xXx
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