« And who knows where the time goes... | HomePage | On a happier crotchet.... »
05/09/2008
Its a new dawn... A new day...
And for those of you who read my facebook status, it isn't much better at all really.
I don't think I'll ever really question what I did. By the end of it I had no choice in the matter. A series of mistakes (from all parties) had pushed things to a more than unpleasent conclusion and as far as I can see - even in hindsight - I had very few choices left.
Hurting someone out of necessity prompts enough guilt. But that isn't the hard bit. The hard bit is that you can never be sure of your reasons; never be sure how much of what drove you was necessity and how much was just final retaliation at being pushed too far. Who can day how much was a desperate attempt to sort out the conequences of a mistake and how much was just hitting out and hitting hard.
It may have been necessity, but the necessity might well only have been an excuse in your mind.
And that bugs me somewhat.
Ignorance is no excuse, giving up is no excuse... necessity is a poor one.... cruelty and revenge is heartless.
I suppose the solution is:
- Would I now (in calmer and rational hindsight) do things differetly? No.
- Did I hate them then or now? No.
And that, regretfully, must be my answer. The past haas been and gone and I hope this time around I learnt my lessons. It seems regrettably that some level of cruelty is part of life. And maybe the more significant part of it is how much it hurts us when we are forced to choose the lesser of two evils. Maybe what defines us is not what we do but the ultimate reasons behind it.
More importantly, maybe we are defined by how we react and respond to our own acts of cruelty - necessary or unnecessary. Do we feel guilt? Do we try to learn, to study where things became inevitable and strive to avoid a repetition. Do we deal with the fall out responsibly and rationally.
In a world where too often it seems that our choices aren't between black and white, but varying shades of grey and greyer... Maybe what we have to hold on to is our own integrity: our intentions, our compassion... and ultimately our strength and determination that by the end of it we will try to do right by those around us.
And if the end result hurts us as much as it hurt them, and still you would not change what you chose... then it may well have been right, and you may well find the strength to live with yourself someday, and it may well work out for the better in the end (Only God could tell you that) ... But you will have learnt something.
And that is what life seems to be about for the most part.
xXx
07:25 Posted in Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Email this