If life were a bowl of cherries...

There ae many ways to go away.

Some peope lose themselves in the dark passages of their minds. They re-visit old hours and past minutes, they works slowly though archives of emotion and experience, observing all and feeling none. And sometimes they get so lost the visions cease to make sense and they can wonder, lost, for hours on end in a labyrinth of their own designing.

For some it is different. They become children. Eagar, expectant, excitable. Each emotion they feel is displayed, so openly, and then cast aside as quickly as it was formed. Tactile and mobile. They do not sit, but turn and look and watch and touch and feel and question. There may be no purpose in any of this. But the distraction keeps them occupied; takes them back to a time when it was easier to let the clouds slide on by. For the moment, they are safe.

Some people dress up. New suit, better make up - you can see it all the time. The accesories are superfluous. What they actually do is build another person. This guise is not necessarily better or worse, or much different to their real self (if they are practised), it is simply an easier life to live. This new self processes things better, and anything that does not fit the processing can be forgotten or ignored.

Some people count things, or double two, or engross themselves in a logic or maths puzzel. Some people create an entire universe inside their head. Or bury their conciousness in the imaginations of other authors. 

Some people take drugs. Some people take up exctreme sports. Some people run. Some combine the two in parkour. Some people drink. Some people hurt themselves. Some people lose themselves in sex. Some people immerse themselves utterly in their own anger.

There are many ways to go away.

The question is not why. The question is not how. The quesiton is not where, or even for how long. 

The quesiton is how the hell do we bring them home?

xXx

Occassionally, from time to time (frequently) I lose my eyeliner pencils around the house, in my bag, down the back of the sofa, on the kitchen counter.... anywhere really. It starts off with my putting them in my jeans pocket on the way downstairs so I can put some on before I go out but *after* I have made a cup of tea. The eyeliner is sometimes applied and sometimes not, but always spends the rest of the day (and subsequent days) in my pocket. Here is lives until I remove it for some reason or other: piano playing, cooking, boredom, abstraction... At this point the eyeliner pencil is left somewhere. At this point the eyeliner pencil becomes lost.

I then think nothing of the pencil, or the loss for several days. Indeed, I think nothing of it until the next time I wish for alarmingly green/blue/sparkly/black eyes. Then I can turn the entire house upside down looking for the damn thing. No stone is left unturned - so to speak - no bag, no pocket, no medicine cabinate, no dressing table, no counter, no behind bed or down sofa... everywhere (over the course of a few days is searched thoroughly and repeatedly). And I can never find it.

That is not particularly unusual or unexpected. The curious thing is the way these eyeliner pencils turn up. I *always* find them in the top left hand pencil draw in the set of small draws on the lower shelf to the southern (ish) side of our kitchen. Whenever I look purposely in that draw I find nothing. And yet, the moment I am idly searching for a sharp pencil to tie my hair up with find one, no two, no three previously lost eyeliner pencils.

Could whoever keeps putting my makeup in the pencil draw please just give them to me when they find them. I know it is less amusing on your part, but it really is very confusing.

xXx 

A while back I made some, apparently erroneous, claim to be "wittering". This promted a rather amusing and enlightening email from a friend with rather emphatic views on the subject. 

     Noooo! If you're going to claim to be *wittering* in your Blog, you've got to      

     try harder than that! Let's see where you went wrong:       

     1. Chose a serious subject. Noo! The world's finest wittering is       

     generally considered to be about hairspray. Lip gloss is good too.       

     2. Used far too many nouns! Proper witter consists almost entirely      

     of  pronouns.       

     3. No repetition! This is NOT "Just a minute"! Say everything at least     

     three times.      

     4. No adherence to the Daily Express style guidelines at all!      

     Instead of "I am not sure if I could advocate the birth of a child to a      

     single woman through IVF simply from a logistical perspective."... ...      

  I stand corrected and will endevour to improve my wittering style. If  

 anyone else has any useful tips or rules to aid me in my quest for  

 the art or wittering, do post them up.           

    xXx       

My thanks to the Government... is was very good to see some free votes...

Please do some more

Soon. 

Next week looks good (I was going to say Friday, but I thought you might see that as a little too radical)

xXx 

Good

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7407589.stm

That is all I can say at the moment... relief...

I am not so bothered about banning true 50/50 hybrids (as that would get messy in all sorts of tangible and ethical/philosophical ways), now we just have: saviour siblings, abortion and the role of fathers in IVF.

The first I am really not sure of... Killing life to save life is one thing and hard to justify, but I think it is equally hard to justify creating a life just to save another. But then again, there are so many unwanted children in the world that the fact they might only be wanted for the sake of another is hardly credible as an argument. I can understand why people would want these saviour siblings. But part of me also says that people should be born unique and *untampered with*... And that people should have the chance to find their own purpose, not have one handed to them on a plate. (There was an interesting book along a similar yet very different line: "The Girls" that told the story of two siamese twins and their dependence on each other.) I think ultimately in this case there should be no law against it. There is also the question of to what extent we will screen embryo's and how selective we become... Apparently "My sister's Keeper" raises this issue, but I have not read it.

Abortion date. At 8 weeks an embryo becomes a foetus. At 10 the vital organs (including brain) are fully formed and by 12 weeks the neuronal development is such that the foetus has reflexes and muscle control. By week 20 we have facial expression, fully functional cardiac and urinal cycles, semi-functional digestive tract (obviously this doesn't actually finish developing until the child has been weaned), motor control (thumb sucking and other cure things apparently) and the development of the senses - taste, smell etc. At the critical 24 weeks the foetus has a 44% chance of surviving outside the uterus, at 23 weeks this is reduced to 16%. By now the eyes are developed (still no pigment) and the foetus is responing to sounds of the outside world.

The question really is... what is the significance in this reduction. Yes, 200 000  abortions a year is too much. And yes, I do not find the idea in any way appealing. Apparently, 24 weeks was chosen when this was the age that the foetus could survive outside the uterus with support. Recent medical develoments have made in more likely for a foetus to survive a younger age and now the limit is supposedly 21 weeks. Question: Is it foetal viability if they require life support? Or the date of the earlier premature child that survived? Or the date when any foetus could theoretically survive unsupported outside the womb. (btw: I believe the data here, is *survive into adulthood without consequential complications*... but I wouldn't swear to it)

The choice of whether or not to abort is one of the hardest ones I can imagine any couple/woman having to make. However, if the choice is possible, if we are still going to let people decide in advance that their own/their child's quality of life will be too low to be worth the living of it... If we let people have that choice then part of me says that the woman needs as much time as we can give her to make her decision as evenly as possible with minimal trauma and mental upset. There is also the issue of the speed of the legal process. Then there is the issue of abortion for medical reasons - in particular the mothers. As I see it, I don't think that the reduction is significant in real way except to keep the law in line with it's original intention.

I think the question really is the significance of foetal viability?

Father's Role in IVF. I can not find out quite what is being debated here as people ae getting too hyped up over abortion (as ever) and their new pet favourite or "Frankenstien's Monster" (a.k.a. hybrids). I think the move is to say that father's are unnecessary and giving single women and lesbian couples equal opportunities for IVF treatments. I am not sure where I stand on this... instinct tells me I am against it. However, I know as well as the next person how many people fail to find their family in blood relatives and instead look for mothers, fathers, brothers, aunts, cousins... in the people around them. A father figure is essential, yes. Or several...

As I don't know what is actually being discussed... So I shall say that I think I support the role in sperm doner father's finding the identity of their child... But I think if this is the case then maybe they should be expected to play a part in the support of the child.

I shall now witter on various related topics. 

Ok... logically. I support the birth of children to single sex couples because I can not think of a reasonable argument against it. They offer more support and stability that single parent families and in my experience it is the complimenting of personalities and *roles* that makes a sucessful relaitonship. Whilst this may be more common (in my observation alone) in heterosexual couples I would never say it was impossible with single sex couples... and I am aware how the relative sample sizes will have colours my opinion. I would suggest that finding father figures in family friends etc, would be useful... but the same is true of many many families.

I am not sure if I could advocate the birth of a child to a single woman through IVF simply from a logistical perspective. Accidents happen so to speak, and people end up in single parent families with only one source of income and support. However, I don't know how much I could support the deliberate creation of a life with only one half of a family and equally only half the deserved support...

It is a hard one, and most of my views stem from my rather (odd maybe all things considered) strong opinions on family. And also balance within family, between the sexes, between personality... (losely) I think I believe, procreation was intended for man and woman who - ideally - between them can offer protection, education, support and fun through the combination of their own specific talents and traits. We all know that the actual occurance of this is rare - but the question is, to what extent are we willing to allow the deliberate breaking away from this ideal.

So I think I will stand - for the moment at least - with homosexual couples: yes... single parents... no.

It is interesting to note that some of the animal research into homosexuality has been a propensity for homosexual males to develop in a population where there are too many dominant males. These males act as ballast (so to speak), filling the role of an uncle, and supporting the community without actually reproducing. The suggestion is that in these circumstances, homosexuality is a means of controlling population growth.

Not sure what I believe about that, or how is affects the argument... but it is an interesting point.

xXx

PS: so much for organ practise.

I ache... I suspect most of this is due to going for a very cold run last night and spending 45 minutes in the middle of it sitting on a metal bench at gone 9pm.... Worth it? Yes... painful today.... Just a little, but irritating none-the-less.

My right bicep also aches a lot!!!! when I raise it past shoulder height... there are several advantages to injecting vaccines into muscle tissue: it is distributed better being the main one and reduce pain at the time (possible) being a second... it does mean that moving that muscle becomes an issue.

I didn't do anything this afternoon... instead I lay on my bed with my head buried in a pillow wondering why the searing pain in my head would not go away and why it became significantly worse each time I actually rested my head on the pillow instead of supporting it myself.

I WILL go and do organ at 7:30.

I sang a top G for 8 bars of music solid :D and got a round of applause.. Even if Jack made me laugh because he was staring at me all the way through and I couldn't work out his expression.

I left my proximity card at home. This made my day excessively awkward, but I am not going to rant about them now... IM NOT.... not... not.... *holds breath*

I should probably pack tonight as the first set of *stuff* is going home on Wednesday and I have minimal time tomorrow. However, considering my packing history, the fact I know I can do it just as well in a panic at the last minutes (provided I am not distracted! - before a certain boyfriend starts making witty comments) means that the chances of me doing nothing tonight are slim. I HATE packing... unpacking is good fun though. :D Packing for me is either done in a rush, or I take time and everything has to be as efficient and effective as possible. Seeing as I always fail in these final objectives, I invariably leave packing as late as possible. 

It is 3 days until I see Stuart again... I have a sneaky suspicion that they are going to pass unbearably slowly. In particular, I would very much like to be able to delete Thursday morning. Mind you, as ever, I am horrifically busy, so it shouldn't be too bad. (*crosses fingers, touches wood and prays to every God she can think of?*) Mneh. I'll stop being irritatingly sickly now, I can already see a few faces turning green.

I have the beginnings of 4 or 5 poems in my head. This is becoming irksome (I do love that word) as I can not sort them out into any sensible order or managable form. I can't seem to focus on any idea for any length of time at all. Apologise to all those who have tried to have conversations with me when I'm in this state - believe me I *KNOW* how infuriating it is!

I am also fighting the urge to revisit some old forums I *know* I shouldn't.

I have wittered enough.

xXx 

Night wrap his gentle arms around you, love
Night place his softest kisses on your eyes, love
Night whispers words of comfort into your ears, my love
Night be the one to dust away your fears

And if the day has passed it's course with smiles, with play, with laughter
I wish you dreams of crisps and cakes, with games to follow after
I wish you visions, vibrant, bright, of the sea-side in the summer
And in these dreams, I hope it seems, the good times last forever;  so

Night wrap his gentle arms around you, love
Night place his softest kisses on your eyes, love
Night whispers words of comfort into your ears, my love
Night be the one to dust away your fears

And if the day has brought you harm, if salt has stained your pillow
If you've struggled, lost your way, in sunlight walked in shadow
I wish you dreams of better things, the joy of days that follow
Velvet nights that ease your pain and herald bright tomorrows; so
 

Night wrap his gentle arms around you, love
Night place his softest kisses on your eyes, love
Night whispers words of comfort into your ears, my love
Night be the one to dust away your fears 

And if the day has bought you trouble or restless thoughts disturb
The peace of mind, which above all else, you, my love, deserve
I wish you calm and dreamless sleep, your flighty thoughts to curb,
Leaving clarity of purpose only such nights can unearth.

Night wrap his gentle arms around you, love
Night place his softest kisses on your eyes, love
Night whispers words of comfort into your ears, my love
Night be the one to dust away your fears 

Night wrap his gentle arms around you, love
Night place his softest kisses on your eyes, love
Night whispers words of comfort into your ears, my love
Night be the one to dust away your fears 

Not really sure why.

I'm not liking how much seems to have crashed it's way into the next 3 months. How much I don't seem to be able to get out of. Trying to tie together what I want to do, what I should do and what I must do. And the last category contains enough to fill most of my time whilst any spaces are suitably plugged by the penultimate category. 

It is very odd, the run down of the end of school: Had a lifeguarding meet yesterday which was highly entertaining (even if Watson did seem to vanish rapidly) and it was great to see everyone together. It is a rare and pleasent thing when you end up working in a group that clicks so well - an hours training (/helping with an assesment) followed by playing with the floats and big ball followed by tea and biscuits in the sports centre. Although I was a little tired after 90 minutes in the pool. Thinking of doing a lifeguarding trip punting in the summer... 

The same is true of Chemistry. Out teacher was stuck in traffic (Stupid new Guided Bus!!! 12 months of HORRENDOUS (even for Cambs) traffic) so we couldn't start the cake... but it was actually a surprisingly good lesson. None of us were in the mindset for practise papers so we just did a massive spider chart of Nitrogen Chemistry on the white board and then question and answer sessions from the random revision cards that were lying around. I will miss the dynamic in that class... teasing, jokes, some truly colossal red-herrings and people who actually put the work in enough of the time to make a difference. :D It's been a good year.

There is little I will actually miss from the Leys, but I think that those two will feature on the list. Also break times, just because you have the chance to wonder up to the kitchen, grab some food and just sit around chatting or reading the paper for half an hour with whoever turns up. I doubt I will really find that level of regular socialness unless I actually do go into teaching, which is not beyond the realms of possibility.

Irksome. I have spent much of my life dreaming of true solitude, or rather, the chance to go new places and discover new things. I've always longed for the chance to walk down a street where no one knows my name. I've striven for the chance to make it on my own, to stand on my own two feet, do my own thing and be acknowledged for the things I've done. I've wanted to find friends and around me but build my own life.        Finally, I now have that chance ....

And now I have finally learnt the difference true companionship / friendship can make.

I have found people that I not only would not mind sharing my adventures (sucesses and failures) with. People I want to show the things I discover. People I wouldn't mind having there to catch me when I stumble. For the first time I will not only appreciate the time I can spend with the people I admire and love, but I will also miss them when I don't have that. There are about 5 people on that list I think. That is seven people too many.

A valuable lesson to learn, maybe? .... Just not now????

And this just came on:

Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little,
Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why? a little,
Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know.
Think so little of me, they allow you to go.
When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change 
from major to minor,
Everytime we say goodbye. 

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change 
from major to minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

xXx 

I have decided my life is Pride and Prejudice

• Crazy family: Check (although I am pleased to say that she is not constantly trying to match-make me)
  
• Life permeated by dry humour and social criitism: Check
  
• Mr Collins: Check (2 or 3 by my reckoning)
  
• Mr Wickham: Check (PLENTY of those, though none have run off with one of my sisters yet)
• Exasperated Father: Check (with me too much of the time, thanks for coming in yesterday!)
  
• Kind, well meaning and amusing extended family: Check
• Appreciation of the amusement to be found in the English Class System: Check
• Sisters: Check (although both Em and I are too like Eliza)
• Long chains of misunderstanding: Check
• Never enough money or hats: Check
• Lady Catherine de Burgh (sp): Check in OH! so many guises

I just have to wait for Colin Firth to walk around the corner in a rather transparent white shirt and my life will be complete. :P

xXx 

I woke up at 5:30 today :'( I have a feeling that it was the bird song and not the light which woke and so there is nothing I can do about it - there is no way I am closing my window in this heat! Mind you, I don't think I would bother closing my curtains either as I do love being able to see the shadows of the tree on my wall. And it *is* and lot of effort.

******************* 

I spoke to John on Sunday. I think I shall send him some photo's from Kazakhstan... and some prayers. 

*******************

Whether it is heat rash or (more likely) eczema... It is iritating me. Enough that I might go into boots and by myself some aqueous cream if I can find a ny at home today. Mind you, I am quite pleased that I almost have the discapline not to irritate it now. It is becoming irksome though.

Oh well... that is my triplet over with. I should go find: water, tea, a shower, fruit (? I don't think I have any) and clean shelves so they can be dusted.... 

xXx