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06/01/2008
What is different
No longer do I sit at the end of your bed and talk long into the night. No longer do I ask your approval or seek to justify my choice by pointing out virtues and wisdom (?) and above all the potential they have for all that could be good. No longer do I try to twist their words and their actions into something - anything - I can respect.
No longer do you try to calm me; try to find ways to agree with my self-deception. This time is not like those times before. You've said so yourself.
This time.
I don't need your approval. And for that very reason, I am fairly certain I have it. But I DONT NEED it. I have made my choice (if you can call it that) and I regret nothing. I don't need to justify. I don't need to explain. I don't need your reassurance and your blessing.
My life, my choice, my happiness. And for once I am happy. More than I can say.
But not so much that you can't catch a glimpse in my voice, or my face, or my words.... from time to time.
Does the security bring the happiness?
Does the happiness allow me to feel secure?
Does it matter?
If I can never explain. If there is no need to justify. If I feel no obligation to answer for myself or my choice, then the answer is probably not.
No longer do I sit at the end of your bed and talk long into the night, because there is nothing I can say. You can see far better what I would like to say, if you just spend just one day watching.
And that is what is different this time.
xXx
08:49 Posted in Thoughts | Permalink | Email this