If life were a bowl of cherries...

What do I want…? (In bold I have the opportunity to do, italics are a maybe)

-         To be somewhere I can play music safely, frequently and with some accountability (teachers/churches/people to poke me)

-         To save some money - both for use and to save for Edinburgh.

-         To know my family to and friends will be safe and I can get to them if I need to

-         To have independence - to be able to go out when I want both alone and in a group, to be able to safely go for runs.

-         To feel like I am contributing meaningfully to something.

-         Privacy... ... !!!!!!! (I.e. not having someone open my door without waiting for an answer!)

-         To be somewhere new / different... out of Cambridge

-         To have people to share my experiences with

-         Internet / way to keep up with friends and family

-         To feel I can actually contribute something to my relationship with my boyfriend

-         To finish the music/songs I am messing around with

-         To finish the painting

-         To finish the poems

-         To swim and lifeguard

-         To do my diploma singing

-         To become proficient at organ - enough to play at a church regularly with some integrity.

-         Learn the Ovid Metamorphosis :D - not to perform, just for technicality

-         To be able to do some of my kayaking / RYA / Powerboat courses

Of these: which are vital

-         To be somewhere I can play music

-         To have independence

-         To feel like I am contributing meaningfully to something.

-         Privacy

-         Communications

Of these which do I have here for certain.

….

….

Ah

Any thoughts?

xXx

The difference between bravery and stupidity:

 It's bravery when things go well. 

It's stupidity when they don't.

xXx

I don't know if I can reliably communicate just how exhausted I am.

I have just got back from Sidmouth Folk Festiva. 11 days campin, unfortunatel mostly in the rain, wasn't actually that bad. Neither was my Stewarding shifts which involved manning a carpark that help at most 200 cars. Nor really was sitting in on Stuarts shifts (as I made a habbit of sleeping in them). And yet the festival was a strain. Such is th way things go.

Maybe going on holiday less than a month before I leave this country for a year... is less than a good idea. It was good to see everyone again, but I know full well that i didn't have the emotional (or physical) energy to do the reunions justice. More than anything else I just needed time, and quiet.... ... ... ... not entirely condusive to a festival.

It feels like I haven't stopped *doing* for years (I know it is only half a month). I got back from my actual holiday at Stuart; went to the WOW fest and Yvonnes then worked Monday, shopped and packed Tuesday and travelled on Wednesday. I returned Sunday and have spent the last two days sorting out a leaving party for myself and avoiding beginning to pack - will start tonight. 

I also spent 2 hours of last night awake and quite incredibly restless - tossing and turning is for once an entirely accurate phrase.

Am I scared about going? No. I respect the challenge but I believe that I am greater than it. No, not scared of going. Very scared of losing what I am leaving behind. So much has fallen into place over the last 3 or 4 months and it seems an unfortunate time to learn to truly value company and friendship just before I am due to leave. I suppose I am meant to learn trust and patience as well, but they are not easy lessons.

Mostly I am just tired I think. Tired of thinking, tired of doing. Sick to the death of "To Do" lists. 

Oh well. However much I want 24 hours of peace before I go, I know it isn't possible. There is too much to do, too many people to see and so few days left. I might as well keep on running to the endline now.

xXx