04/17/2008
Emma's Dream
"We'd all been on holiday, well Me, Mum, Dad and ChiChi... And it had been good, as could have been expected.... normal really - the way things go. Well, nomal until we actually got home.
Whilst we'd been away Ruth had been *house-sitting* (so-to-speak)... And she'd been ... busy?
On turning the corner we noticed that the front step was a little crowded. And the path along-side the front garden as well... Well we picked our way daintily around the obstacles. And forced the door open - no mean deat I tell you. The "situation" continued... the floor of the hall, shoe rack, stairs, shelves, even the sofa were littered!
We looked at each other... surpressing grins as Mum's voice came from the hall...
"So HOW long are we expected to play Hotel to Ruth's wine collection!""
I LIKE this idea!!
xXx
15:28 Posted in Funny | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
09/21/2007
ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path, but looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. Frantically speeding up he tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well,"
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: ''Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
xXx
21:05 Posted in Funny | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
08/26/2007
Of Organ and Middle Class England
I played my first service at Harlton today. For those of you who did not know, I am now the Organ Scholar there and therefore required to put in a friendly appearance from time to time. :) It actually went quite well, which was good, and all in all I found the visit entirely amusing. ((By the way, this is being written as an occupation whilst I print out some pictures for Steve... so it might end rather abruptly)).
There is nothing better than a long cycle ride, along (fast country) roads, that you have never cycled along, to a place you have never visited (or even heard of until 6 weeks ago), early in the morning.... when you have had a sum total of3 hours of sleep. Of course, the scenario was jsut improved by the fact that I was going to be playing, my eyes hurt (pollen) and I had done no exercise for 4 days so my leg muscles started to hurt about a mile through Granchester. Oh yes, did I mention I went the long way around!
Anyway, let mecease complaining, and detail the conversation I had with the church warden when I arrive.
*****
Ruth enters church slowly with considerable apprehension. Jean is dressed formally and attending to some hymn books on one of the pews. Jean looks up unnerved and both smile awkwardly until recognition dawns on Jeans face.
JEAN: Hello?
RUTH: Hello
JEAN: You're Ruth, Pleased to meet you She hurries forward extending her hand and a firm handshake is exchanged.
RUTH: And you.
JEAN: So you are here to play for us, that is lovely.
RUTH: Yes, well Leon is playing some of it just to make it easier while I familiarise... [ad lib]
JEAN: Are you an American lady?
Ruth: purplexed No... Pure English
JEAN: Oh, you have a lovely accent.
*****
Someone please explain that to me.
Anyway, I went, practise, and was interupted no less than 6 times to shake hands with various local dignitaries - all smiling and wearing their Sunday best. Bells start tolling and more people stare at me as I start to play a Waltz tune in F (first hymn) - I was glad I decided to dress smartly for this :). I then get bored... and start playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in 3/4 time which promts more stares and raised eyebrows from Leon, who is now sitting behind me.
The service goes well, although I can't register the pieces as I would like due to unfamiliarity with the (Electirc) organ - my practise time having been somewhat disturbed. The vicar preaches for anarchy. During Communion I Play a very pretty (if I do say so myself) improvisation of "Dear Lord and Father of Mankind") which gets me many compliments and makes me smile. A lot of notices and then Bach's Prelude and Fugue in F Maj from the 8 Short Preludes and Fugues to finish.
Then more hand shaking, smiling and listening attentively to the Treasurer tell me about the old Organ here and how lovely it is to see a new face.... you get the picture. We dutifully file out of the church and Leon, myself and another go to his house where his wife serves us coffee in the garden and sits very quitely whilst we discuss organs and music. Key features of this conversation are: name dropping, the mine is bigger game and "Yes..." - guess which applies to whome. I am now to play the Trio Sonata on Oct 13th for a celebration concert of the New organ - in whatever state it has reached by then.
It will be a lovely instrument, but I shall detail its many virtues when it is finished.
So all in all it was a pleasent morning, I played more than tolerably well (for once). The people as all very kind and friendly and so "Small, rural, affluent, pituresque village in East Anglia"!!!! It's brilliant.
Oh and yes, for those who were wondering... the vicar did preach calling for anarchy and a disregard for rules in favour of what God say in your heart. (!) I had to bite my lip to stop myself from giggling aloud all the way through. I mean, that sort of sermon does no harm in such a village, it might persuade people to forgo moviing their front lawn one Saturday so they can visit a friend... But even so, country Rector preaching *for* ANARCHY!
I love it
On another note: Stupid things I have done today:
- Forgot my keys - but I did get the chance to visit our next door neighbours who (on account of their holiday, my boarding and then our holiday) I have not seen for 6 months or so! :(
- Put salt in my desert.... though it was sugar/vanilla sprinkles!
- Started shaking before the evening service which didn't help the whole playing thing - I DETEST evensong.
- Had a conversation I probably should have avoided (for sanities sake) but can't change that... and it was inevitable
- Not packed...
- Not finished printing these photos...
- Not finished sorting my room
Oh well.
Best get on
xXx
21:14 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Funny , Music , News | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
05/09/2007
Of Music and Madness
I have been thinking....
I have decided I should probably cease this activity.
I have decided this isn't going to happen so whats's the point worrying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am happy. This is significant progress on my part and consequentally I would like all the people around me to be happy for me (I am selfish like that). This whim of mine is being rather confounded by the fact that serveral of my friends have decided that I can not *possibly* be happy after the events of the past few weeks and there for I must be bi-polar instead (a.k.a. Manic Depression). Whilst I would like to thank them for their concern... This is not reassuring.
Rewards going out for people wh can suggest suitable methods of dealing with my music teacher... The fact that all my energies are currently being directed into being angry at him has no bearing whatsoever on my generally calmer and more relaxed state of mind. *innocence* Actually, I have to say I do not hate him. I merely find him and his more than necessarily childish demenour intensly irritating. This has the rather unusual result that despite holding decent and entertaining conversation with him, I still leave each lesson wanting either to kill something or to curl up and cry...
I suppose that is the effect of someone poking fun at the aspects of your self, skill or life that you are most insecure about... It *is* (unfortunately) funny... but just too much for the current time. *sign* c'est la vie.
On a brighter note... I have an excellent set for my Grade 8 singing which is approaching all too quickly. I have my first lesson with Anne Page tonight. :D And I have done some biology revision (AT LAST).
Random comments....
"You look nice in that... My God your boobs look good" ("only you ____ only you")
"You look happy... what's wrong... are you in love?" ("no out of it")
Right, now too long for a post...
I'd like to write a gallant rhyme
A set of lines, in standard time
But as it's getting close to five
I'll spare you all till another time.
xXx
15:30 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Funny , Life , School | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
11/16/2006
With Thanks to Claire... this made me laugh
"True Friendship"
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality.Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ###### who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rip it out of you every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (And don't send it back to me.... I don't want to hear it!!!)
And remember.... when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!
xXx
00:05 Posted in Funny | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
10/28/2006
Heh - some of you will appriciate this
Tips to improve your writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon
to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
32. Writing
carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb
is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with
singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old
hat; seek viable alternatives.
23:39 Posted in Funny | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
07/07/2006
I DECLARE WAR!!
I am now going to commit the Number 1 stupidity and declare war on 2 fronts simulataneously!
- ALL thunderbugs, or any such insects must from no on avoid entering: my mouth, my eyes (behing sunglasses), my nose, my ears or down my top and they will desist from using me as a free ride to Sawston, Chesterton, CherryHinton or any otherplace. the only insects who have permission to do this are moths and butterflys because they are pretty but I have a feeling that i cycle too fast for them - wind turbulance.
- I will personally STRANGLE the next male jerk of any species, race, age or creed who decides it is a good idea to whistle, shout uninteligable garbage or honk their horn at me whilst I go past!
Actually amusing comment from that: I was talking with a friend and her very "*young*" 10 year old sister from a reasonabky conservative household say "They do it because they think your pretty, men like pretty girls!"..... what do you say? "yeeeeees.... I dont think that was quite the reason". her sister was sitting behind her and cracking up - it wasnt fair. Particularly as the case I had been talking about was a sweaty 50 year old builder with a too small vest top that hasnt been washed for a few weeks and a beer belly 3 times the size of his head! !!
Actually I dont have a clue why they decided to do it - I was cycling past wearing jeans and a strap top that isnt low cut! argh! what am I meant to do.... reminded of the the line "girls in slacks desguise their gender" for any of you sailing friends REMEBER THE YELLOW WATERPROOFS! But there is no way I am going to wear any more clothing in this heat, I'll pass out!
On other notes:
Charlie played Misty at the gig on Wednesday - REALLY well though not quite as touching as when Lynette sang it with her husband accompanying on his 40th birthday which was so lovely! Gorgeous song and I have just discovered I have the piano part for it so been playing it (somewhat inaccuratly due to arm!) far too much accoridng to everyone else (except Dad who just sits and listens and then points out he needs to go and if I want to know the way to stop now and come have a look at the map!)
Actually the entire evening was very good. :D and ended up giving numberous piggy backs and swinging young children around in large circles. :D was very fun but I hope their Mum didn't get annoyed at them because of it. :S that would be very sad - not that i think it would actually change anything.
There is something (however irritating they can be) about spending time with young children. Its nothing to do with their actual circumstances being particulrly happier - unfortunately this isn't true at all :S - its their amazing ability to live in the moment. I babysat last night, well part of last night, and apparently Edmund was up since six going "Can i go into Ruth now can I go into Ruth now!" then almost bang on the dot of 7 loud thud as Mahoney gets out of bed and knock on door and 2 highly excited kids jumping on me. I was already awake and it was so funny, great way to start the day. I can also admit that it wouldnt have been as enjoyable if I were in a bad mood/had a headache/6th day running! so please no "just you waits" from various parents!
went to pamper evening last night as well which was very fun, spent long time talking to one of Jane's friends about Medicine and Cambridge etc. Also quizzed Hannah about her engagement (She wouldnt say ANYTHING!) and spent a long time eating all the fruit from the fondue - too hot for anything else I am living off fruit atm! Then sat and stared at the (unfortunately not that cute) guys working out and solved life's problems. Girly evenings are great :P we need another sleepover and SOON! (with chocoalte and a good film we havnt seen before!)
Also had an interesting conversation with katie last night in which I learnt a couple of things I did want to know and an extraordianry number which I really would rather not know. They are going to make a number of things very awkward indeed :S Strange for me to "rather not know!" something, completely out of character, but I *was* doing a good job of ignoring this until last night. Thank you very much Katie :P (Your obsessed :P) - on a serious note, probably better to know than not know.
Isn't it strange how we replace the dead with the living. Mourning with a collection of vivid colours, a poor reminder to what was lostl; a temporary substitution before they too fade.
Flowers by the railway line, I dont know the person, surprised they've lasted this long.
The cold room has broken, it is now hotter than the corridoor! They are trying to fix it but by now most of the proteins are degrading and it stinks! being full of everyones agar plates and many billion bacteria! lol...... rather irritating. Other than that things seem to be going well :D Cant believe its half way through :S
thats all folks
xXx
09:27 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Funny , Life , Science , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
03/09/2006
Of cooking and .... not much else
My sister is making pretzels... it is a highly entertaining business! :D
She started just before her flute lesson... had the recipi book open at the right page and measure out the yeast and added the water.... unfortunately no one has ever explained to her the way yeast works... so she added the water and the honey and started to measure the flour (well came in to ask me which flour to use - suggesting self raising heh!)... and then we called her for her lesson...
A bit of biology/chemistry....
Yeast FERMENTS and ... REPRODUCES! (through budding if you wanted to know :P)
She has a 30minute flute lesson so that was attempt one out of the way....
Attempt two: Leave yeast (dry) in the bowl and measure out all other ingredients first... using cups and spoons :S
2 cups for flour.... and about a 1/3 more on the table around it
1 teaspoon of honey.... dripping everywhere
1 teaspoon of salt... this presented a slight problem as the measuring teaspoon was already in use...
Heather: ruth what do I do, I need another teaspoon
Ruth: use a teaspoon, it doesn't have to be accurate
Heather: but where can i get a teaspoon
Ruth: *indicates cutlery rack*
Heather: *huh*
Ruth: tea spoon... for stirring tea?
Teaspoon of salt goes on the table next the flour.... and water is measured out into yet another cup and carried across the kitchen....
I leave.
I'm sorry... I really shouldn't laugh... but it was amusing... and she *is* my sister.... :P I am very proud of her... she has done hardly any cooking on her own before so she has done very well.... it's just I'm allowed to laugh at her... so I do. :P
Had carrot and corriander soup for tea :D very nice too.
xXx
18:30 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Funny , Life | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this
02/28/2006
heh
Have you heard about this new development?
English or German?
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other
possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
18:15 Posted in Funny | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
02/22/2006
FUNNY!
Pick up lines-+
With come backs!
1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
2.) Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.
3.) Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.
4.) Male: So, what do you do for a living.
Female: I'm a female impersonator.
5.) Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.
6.) Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.
7.) Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
8.) Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you please stay there?
9.) Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
17:23 Posted in Funny | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this