If life were a bowl of cherries...

I don't know if I can reliably communicate just how exhausted I am.

I have just got back from Sidmouth Folk Festiva. 11 days campin, unfortunatel mostly in the rain, wasn't actually that bad. Neither was my Stewarding shifts which involved manning a carpark that help at most 200 cars. Nor really was sitting in on Stuarts shifts (as I made a habbit of sleeping in them). And yet the festival was a strain. Such is th way things go.

Maybe going on holiday less than a month before I leave this country for a year... is less than a good idea. It was good to see everyone again, but I know full well that i didn't have the emotional (or physical) energy to do the reunions justice. More than anything else I just needed time, and quiet.... ... ... ... not entirely condusive to a festival.

It feels like I haven't stopped *doing* for years (I know it is only half a month). I got back from my actual holiday at Stuart; went to the WOW fest and Yvonnes then worked Monday, shopped and packed Tuesday and travelled on Wednesday. I returned Sunday and have spent the last two days sorting out a leaving party for myself and avoiding beginning to pack - will start tonight. 

I also spent 2 hours of last night awake and quite incredibly restless - tossing and turning is for once an entirely accurate phrase.

Am I scared about going? No. I respect the challenge but I believe that I am greater than it. No, not scared of going. Very scared of losing what I am leaving behind. So much has fallen into place over the last 3 or 4 months and it seems an unfortunate time to learn to truly value company and friendship just before I am due to leave. I suppose I am meant to learn trust and patience as well, but they are not easy lessons.

Mostly I am just tired I think. Tired of thinking, tired of doing. Sick to the death of "To Do" lists. 

Oh well. However much I want 24 hours of peace before I go, I know it isn't possible. There is too much to do, too many people to see and so few days left. I might as well keep on running to the endline now.

xXx 

I have new reeds. Howarths also offer a very nice Student discount on their reeds so I got 5 reeds and C. P. E. Bach's Sonta in G minor for something silly like £60. :D This equals a slightly excitable (and excited) Ruth. ~ apparently this is a good thing and should be repeated. I also very much like the fact that I can walk in, borrow an oboe and TRY all the reeds before I buy them. This way I have a very good set to take away that includes:

• Some playable now (i.e. 40mins to blow in)
• Some playable later (i.e. a few days/ weeks)
• Some beautifully rich
• Some more piercing but easier to play for rehearsals or long scales/fingerwork practises

It is strange though... I've started reading around science again. Or just having conversations with people. Like the other night we were at the pub and ended up discussing quantum physics vs evolution vs global change vs environment with two complete randomer's who joined our table. I sort of wish I had the confidence to do that - just join a table. But hey, there is time I s'pose. Great conversation though.

Or the other day trying to work out if there was any logic in allowing extra-terrestrial races (in sci-fi plots) to have both evolved, peaked and then died into nothing long before human technology allows us to discover the ruins. The argument was that we have to assume that the big bang is a limiting factor for all species. We also have to assume that is takes a certain length of time to form a planet and then form a planet capable of supporting life (even if their equivilent of a respiratory pigment isn't oxygen). The species on this planet then have to evolve conciousness, then industry, then technology. Ok, planets form at different times and species evolve in different ways and at different rates depending on the selection pressure and the nature of the species (gestation period being a rather obvious limiting factor). But, is there really enough lee-way to invent entire species of *higher* beings that have lived and died whilst our planet was still in its infancy?

I don't think I can actually answer this as I don't know enough about the time frame of the history of the Universe, but I would guess not. Particularly as most of these races seem to be far more technologically advanced and therefore will have developed ways to make themselves resiliant to extinction (so to speak). Mind you, it is true that they tend to have bewiped out by some catastrophy or other and then our daring human pilots and scientists can go in and use all this amazing alien technology that can be so easily adapted for human (no alien) use! ... but that is another debate.

Stuart is now laughing at me. Apparently my disdain for his reed-soaking abilities is comical! (NEW REEDS)

Anyway... it seems the dichotomy is still there. Music? Science? Music and science? Teaching? Performing? Writing? Lifeguarding? Proffesional snake charmer? ... and I still want to own that cafe!

Poly-chotomy seems a more appropriate term.

But I fear I am being anti-social and shall vanish (like magic, or some strange alien technology :P) - forgive me my childishness, new music does this to me!

xXx

All this decisiveness must be bad for my health... I shall stop soon.

Having a lot of trouble getting things done at the moment. This is partly because I have probably half the amount of time I need to do to all the jobs I have. But also because the list looks so daunting that I can not face it.  To remedy this second issue I have decided that I will set myself a maximum of 3 tasks to complete each day. These three tasks must be completed... all others are just a bonus.

Today I shall: help angela, sort my visa and do oboe.

xXx 

Well actually, asides from lack of sleep and a slight degree of over-exercise yesterday, I am not *ill*. I do however have the other half of on of my wisdom teeth decided to break through my gum and destroying the back of my mouth. This makes it very hard to eat, drink, talk and indeed sleep... let along smile. The right side of my jaw is swollen and perpetually aching.

And I think the quantity of bonjella and blood I swallowed during the night has upset my stomach. 

But tbh... I know 2 people in a worse and much worse state than me (the later I have never met but still close enough to count) and I really shouldn't complain.

On the other hand... OOWWW!!!! and it is my blog, I can complain all I like!

xXx 

I used to think that there would come a "right time"; that there would be a time and a place and a set of circumstances that would be safe. I used to think that sometime I would find the space to go through all my old demons and ghosts from unfading memories in the same way that every summer I have time to go through all the junk that accumlates in my bedroom. I used to go through my days and weeks putting everything I felt and saw and heard on hold (so to speak) and storing it all up until this magical time came when I would be allowed a few months free of all responsability and commitment. Then, and only then, would I sort through the mess that I had kept locked away for all those years. Then, and only then, would I free myself to move on.

Until that point, the effects of everything that happened would simply be postponed.

Then I stopped believing that that "right time" would ever happen. But I still kept storing it all. That caused a little bit of mess.

That might be a slight understatement.

Recently I have been developing a new theory. I talked it over with a close friend of mine and she seems to be coming to the same conclusion. Whether this proves my progress and personal development or whether this simply confirms my insanity is yet to be decided :P I'm sure it makes little difference either way.

In a sense I was partially right in both my previous theories. There will never be a "right time". There will never be a time in anyone's life when all those things that make the days drag, those thing that make the nightmares linger... there will never be a time when those disappear. There is always something new, always something else to be getting on with. 

And that in itself is a gift (if you learn to see it the right way). I am rather too curious about what tomorrow will bring, to give up totally on today.

But I have come to the conclusion that whilst there is never a right time, a right place or the right circumstances to make you step back, ackowledge what you are and then get on with it, there may be the right people - or person.

And that suddenly, when you least expect it... and certainally when you are least ready or prepared for change... these people swan into your life and create havoc. And suddenly there is no time to question whether this is the right time or the wrong time. Suddenly you don't stop to decide whether it is safe to air old wounds and luggage that is holding you back. Suddenly, none of that matters.

Something gives you the strenght to throw caution far beyond anywhere the winds have gone before.

Something gives you the courage to take the risk.

Something gives you the confidence to dare to stand and not to run or hide or pretend...

And generally that something doesn't give you a choice.

So no, there isn't a time when it all becomes easy and you can methodically sort through a lifetime of crap. And there isn't a time when all the people who expect and demand things of you inexplicably decide to look the other way.

But there will come a time when you meet people who turn your life upside down and inside out.

And you'll be amazed at what comes out in the wash       -       half the time without you even realising it.

xXx