If life were a bowl of cherries...

06/23/2008

And she returns...

...And don't think I didn't hear your groan.

 

I have finished my 7 days of exams. I have done well in biology and chemistry (I had already written the biology synoptic essay of my own accord for revision - plant reproduction!! :D :D) and I am TERRIFIED about music - but such is the way. Hopefully my more than adequate marks from last year will tide me over. (*crosses fingers*)

 

I have also been out to dinner, a party and a ball.... Met some really rather interesting and entertaining new people, worked out how to do our song for Cabaret (Wed and Thur this week)... and written the A section of a gig. You shouldn't let me spend hours tuning on a recorder :P gone through every dance form I know from pavanne to sarabande to gig to reel.... :D oh and lots of minuets because they are pretty.

 

Oh and another song on the train... well beginnings of

 

Different trains honey, different line
Different trains/ways(?) honey, different mind
You'll go your way
And I'll go mine
You've done you worst
Soon I'll be feeling just fine / now I'm feeling just fine (?)

 

 

xXx 

 

13:51 Posted in Fun , Life , Music | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

06/01/2008

Greetings

I bid you greetings

All you angry men
And outraged women
Who sit and stare - for hours on end -
At the news reels on your TV screen
Who scroll through pages of

INTERNET HEADLINES

Tut and shake your head
Or shake your fist
And swear about injustice

 

I bid you greetings

You! Who's blood boils
And who's muscle trembles
In contempt
At the Dictators, the TNCs, the Banks, the Presidents, the Priests and the Teachers

As you sit and stare
And wait for the next headline
As you sit and stare
Eagar for the next to fuel your mindless fury
As you sit and stare

As you sit

 

As you sit

 

AND DO NOTHING

 

You sit and stare

At the woman beaten blue by a teenage daughter
At the vicar up in court, or the poedophile for rape
At the athlete torn apart by a long forgotten mine
At the young girl in the brothel waiting for her client
At the father searching in the ruins of a blowout
For a wife, for a parent, for a child, for a cousin, for an uncle, for a grandson, for a friend... for anybody?

 

You sit and stare

At a natural disaster wreaking havoc on a city
And swear hatred at the leaders,
At their lack of human pity

 

You sit and stare

 

And do nothing.

 

In your youth
In your passion
In your strength
In your self

 

You who have the power to shake the mountains
Who have the might to tople the steeples
And tear down the palaces

You have the feet that could teach the world to dance
You have the hands that could heal the scars that still deform
You have the tongues that could bring wisdom
You have the minds that could imagine something better

 

Most of all you have the hearts
The anger
The passion
The blood and the guts


Most of all you have the heart
That could
Give you

Strength

 

To change things

 

But you don't
You sit and stare.
In your selfish, smugness and self-centred pious righteousness
You watch the world go to hell in a handcart
And shake your head
And shake your fist

 

Then turn the TV off

 

And go to bed.

 

 

At least those without the wit, or the compassion...
Without the heart or the soul to be angry...
At least they can sleep

 

Without their own hypocrisy tainting their dreams

 

I bid you greetings
And I bid you goodnight

 

You sicken me.

 

xXx 

 

 

18:10 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Poetry , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

05/31/2008

Going Away

There ae many ways to go away.

 

Some peope lose themselves in the dark passages of their minds. They re-visit old hours and past minutes, they works slowly though archives of emotion and experience, observing all and feeling none. And sometimes they get so lost the visions cease to make sense and they can wonder, lost, for hours on end in a labyrinth of their own designing.

 

For some it is different. They become children. Eagar, expectant, excitable. Each emotion they feel is displayed, so openly, and then cast aside as quickly as it was formed. Tactile and mobile. They do not sit, but turn and look and watch and touch and feel and question. There may be no purpose in any of this. But the distraction keeps them occupied; takes them back to a time when it was easier to let the clouds slide on by. For the moment, they are safe.

 

Some people dress up. New suit, better make up - you can see it all the time. The accesories are superfluous. What they actually do is build another person. This guise is not necessarily better or worse, or much different to their real self (if they are practised), it is simply an easier life to live. This new self processes things better, and anything that does not fit the processing can be forgotten or ignored.

 

Some people count things, or double two, or engross themselves in a logic or maths puzzel. Some people create an entire universe inside their head. Or bury their conciousness in the imaginations of other authors. 

 

Some people take drugs. Some people take up exctreme sports. Some people run. Some combine the two in parkour. Some people drink. Some people hurt themselves. Some people lose themselves in sex. Some people immerse themselves utterly in their own anger.

 

There are many ways to go away.

 

The question is not why. The question is not how. The quesiton is not where, or even for how long. 

 

The quesiton is how the hell do we bring them home?

 

xXx

 

 

 

20:36 Posted in Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this

05/19/2008

Good

Good

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7407589.stm

 

That is all I can say at the moment... relief...

 

I am not so bothered about banning true 50/50 hybrids (as that would get messy in all sorts of tangible and ethical/philosophical ways), now we just have: saviour siblings, abortion and the role of fathers in IVF.

 

The first I am really not sure of... Killing life to save life is one thing and hard to justify, but I think it is equally hard to justify creating a life just to save another. But then again, there are so many unwanted children in the world that the fact they might only be wanted for the sake of another is hardly credible as an argument. I can understand why people would want these saviour siblings. But part of me also says that people should be born unique and *untampered with*... And that people should have the chance to find their own purpose, not have one handed to them on a plate. (There was an interesting book along a similar yet very different line: "The Girls" that told the story of two siamese twins and their dependence on each other.) I think ultimately in this case there should be no law against it. There is also the question of to what extent we will screen embryo's and how selective we become... Apparently "My sister's Keeper" raises this issue, but I have not read it.

 

Abortion date. At 8 weeks an embryo becomes a foetus. At 10 the vital organs (including brain) are fully formed and by 12 weeks the neuronal development is such that the foetus has reflexes and muscle control. By week 20 we have facial expression, fully functional cardiac and urinal cycles, semi-functional digestive tract (obviously this doesn't actually finish developing until the child has been weaned), motor control (thumb sucking and other cure things apparently) and the development of the senses - taste, smell etc. At the critical 24 weeks the foetus has a 44% chance of surviving outside the uterus, at 23 weeks this is reduced to 16%. By now the eyes are developed (still no pigment) and the foetus is responing to sounds of the outside world.

 

The question really is... what is the significance in this reduction. Yes, 200 000  abortions a year is too much. And yes, I do not find the idea in any way appealing. Apparently, 24 weeks was chosen when this was the age that the foetus could survive outside the uterus with support. Recent medical develoments have made in more likely for a foetus to survive a younger age and now the limit is supposedly 21 weeks. Question: Is it foetal viability if they require life support? Or the date of the earlier premature child that survived? Or the date when any foetus could theoretically survive unsupported outside the womb. (btw: I believe the data here, is *survive into adulthood without consequential complications*... but I wouldn't swear to it)

 

The choice of whether or not to abort is one of the hardest ones I can imagine any couple/woman having to make. However, if the choice is possible, if we are still going to let people decide in advance that their own/their child's quality of life will be too low to be worth the living of it... If we let people have that choice then part of me says that the woman needs as much time as we can give her to make her decision as evenly as possible with minimal trauma and mental upset. There is also the issue of the speed of the legal process. Then there is the issue of abortion for medical reasons - in particular the mothers. As I see it, I don't think that the reduction is significant in real way except to keep the law in line with it's original intention.

 

I think the question really is the significance of foetal viability?

 

Father's Role in IVF. I can not find out quite what is being debated here as people ae getting too hyped up over abortion (as ever) and their new pet favourite or "Frankenstien's Monster" (a.k.a. hybrids). I think the move is to say that father's are unnecessary and giving single women and lesbian couples equal opportunities for IVF treatments. I am not sure where I stand on this... instinct tells me I am against it. However, I know as well as the next person how many people fail to find their family in blood relatives and instead look for mothers, fathers, brothers, aunts, cousins... in the people around them. A father figure is essential, yes. Or several...

 

As I don't know what is actually being discussed... So I shall say that I think I support the role in sperm doner father's finding the identity of their child... But I think if this is the case then maybe they should be expected to play a part in the support of the child.

 

I shall now witter on various related topics. 

 

Ok... logically. I support the birth of children to single sex couples because I can not think of a reasonable argument against it. They offer more support and stability that single parent families and in my experience it is the complimenting of personalities and *roles* that makes a sucessful relaitonship. Whilst this may be more common (in my observation alone) in heterosexual couples I would never say it was impossible with single sex couples... and I am aware how the relative sample sizes will have colours my opinion. I would suggest that finding father figures in family friends etc, would be useful... but the same is true of many many families.

 

I am not sure if I could advocate the birth of a child to a single woman through IVF simply from a logistical perspective. Accidents happen so to speak, and people end up in single parent families with only one source of income and support. However, I don't know how much I could support the deliberate creation of a life with only one half of a family and equally only half the deserved support...

 

It is a hard one, and most of my views stem from my rather (odd maybe all things considered) strong opinions on family. And also balance within family, between the sexes, between personality... (losely) I think I believe, procreation was intended for man and woman who - ideally - between them can offer protection, education, support and fun through the combination of their own specific talents and traits. We all know that the actual occurance of this is rare - but the question is, to what extent are we willing to allow the deliberate breaking away from this ideal.

 

So I think I will stand - for the moment at least - with homosexual couples: yes... single parents... no.

 

It is interesting to note that some of the animal research into homosexuality has been a propensity for homosexual males to develop in a population where there are too many dominant males. These males act as ballast (so to speak), filling the role of an uncle, and supporting the community without actually reproducing. The suggestion is that in these circumstances, homosexuality is a means of controlling population growth.

 

Not sure what I believe about that, or how is affects the argument... but it is an interesting point.

 

xXx

 

PS: so much for organ practise.

20:04 Posted in Life , News , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

Chatter-box time :D

I ache... I suspect most of this is due to going for a very cold run last night and spending 45 minutes in the middle of it sitting on a metal bench at gone 9pm.... Worth it? Yes... painful today.... Just a little, but irritating none-the-less.

 

My right bicep also aches a lot!!!! when I raise it past shoulder height... there are several advantages to injecting vaccines into muscle tissue: it is distributed better being the main one and reduce pain at the time (possible) being a second... it does mean that moving that muscle becomes an issue.

 

I didn't do anything this afternoon... instead I lay on my bed with my head buried in a pillow wondering why the searing pain in my head would not go away and why it became significantly worse each time I actually rested my head on the pillow instead of supporting it myself.

 

I WILL go and do organ at 7:30.

 

I sang a top G for 8 bars of music solid :D and got a round of applause.. Even if Jack made me laugh because he was staring at me all the way through and I couldn't work out his expression.

 

I left my proximity card at home. This made my day excessively awkward, but I am not going to rant about them now... IM NOT.... not... not.... *holds breath*

 

I should probably pack tonight as the first set of *stuff* is going home on Wednesday and I have minimal time tomorrow. However, considering my packing history, the fact I know I can do it just as well in a panic at the last minutes (provided I am not distracted! - before a certain boyfriend starts making witty comments) means that the chances of me doing nothing tonight are slim. I HATE packing... unpacking is good fun though. :D Packing for me is either done in a rush, or I take time and everything has to be as efficient and effective as possible. Seeing as I always fail in these final objectives, I invariably leave packing as late as possible. 

 

It is 3 days until I see Stuart again... I have a sneaky suspicion that they are going to pass unbearably slowly. In particular, I would very much like to be able to delete Thursday morning. Mind you, as ever, I am horrifically busy, so it shouldn't be too bad. (*crosses fingers, touches wood and prays to every God she can think of?*) Mneh. I'll stop being irritatingly sickly now, I can already see a few faces turning green.

 

I have the beginnings of 4 or 5 poems in my head. This is becoming irksome (I do love that word) as I can not sort them out into any sensible order or managable form. I can't seem to focus on any idea for any length of time at all. Apologise to all those who have tried to have conversations with me when I'm in this state - believe me I *KNOW* how infuriating it is!

 

I am also fighting the urge to revisit some old forums I *know* I shouldn't.

 

I have wittered enough.

 

xXx 

 

 

 

18:01 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

05/13/2008

A Dominant pedal in Biology!

Ok. Here is the other "half" of the story... this has taken me 2 hours. I did not do this set of notes from memory (the first bit on the Menstural Cycle was). It is 3 pages long in MSWord and I don't expect anyone to read it properly. I am just rather proud of it as it is the most work I've done in biology in 18 months!

 

It is also a good retort to any idiot male who complains he can't understand women -  of course he can't! It is written into our bloody physiology!!!!!!!!

 

I'm not kidding when I say anyone would think we weren't meant to reproduce. 

 

Hormones are in bold, couldn't be bothered to put scientific words into italics, instead *my* comments are initalics.

 

Oogenisis – the female side

Ok. So here is the complicated one… *breathes deeply*… and begins.

Once again the hypothalamus has overall control over this process – being the link between the nervous and chemical systems in the body, that sort of makes sense. Once again GnRH is released and travels the short distance to the anterior lobe of the pituitary gland. Again two hormones are released: LH (Lutenising Hormone (=ISCH)) and FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone).

Right now things begin to alter slightly. The female process of oogenisis (generation of the egg cell) is not continuous but cyclical and begins before birth. As the ovaries develop in the female embryo, meiosis one begins in the germinal epithelial layer and is halted in prophase one. The ovaries also produce follicle cells which surround the oogonia to form primary follicles.

Basically the soon-to-be-egg cells begin to divide and at frozen part way through the process with the DNA condensed into chromosomes and grouped into homologous (same-sized) pairs. The cells are then surrounded by a layer of other, smaller cells.

Meiosis one is halted at birth and the process cannot resume until puberty occurs and the menstrual cycle begins. (JOY!) This cycle varies between females, but for ease of communication the cycle is “averaged” out over 28 days.

OK, back to Biology. FSH is released from the anterior lobe of the pituitary gland and travels in the blood to the ovaries where it stimulates the continuation of meiosis one. The layers of surrounding cells builds up and a theca layer developes (from the tissue of the ovary) to create a primary oocyte within a primary follicle. The theca layer secretes oestrogen which has a number of functions including:

•    Promotes secondary sexual characteristics in females
•    Inhibits FSH production to prevent the development of a second oogonia.
•    Builds up and prepares the endometrial layer (blood layer) in the uterus

The first meiotic split is completed and one of the haploid cells degenerates into a polar body that has no known purpose. The follicle continues to mature into a Graafian Follicle and oestrogen levels continue to rise. At day 14 of the cycle the oestrogen levels peak and (once over a threshold level) stimulate (not inhibit) the release of FSH and LH.

The production of a Graafian Follicle occurs moving in towards the centre of the ovary; LH stimulates the eruption of the primary oocyte out from the ovary into the oviduct (Fallopian Tube). This can apparently cause a little bleeding as the oocyte is the largest cell in a human body and some women claim to be able to feel the release occurring.)

Here the story splits into two:

The remainder of the Graafian Follicle develops into a Corpus Luteum (or Yellow Body) that produces progesterone (and oestrogen). Progesterone helps to maintain the endometrial layer and also inhibits FSH and LH so no new oogonia are developed.

The primary oocyte travels along the oviduct to the uterus and can survive only a couple of days, without fertilisation, before it degenerates. And then the story splits again….

If fertilisation does not occur, then the primary oocyte dies and shortly afterwards the corpus luteum degenerates. Progesterone and Oestrogen levels fall again and FSH and LH are no longer inhibited. FSH levels rise and stimulate the development of another oogonia and primary follicle to mature to a Graafian Follicle. The endometrial layer decomposes and menstruation occurs.

On The Other Hand…

Long lines of mucus in the uterus provide lines for sperm to swim easily along and guide their travel to the oviducts. The contraction of the uterus (presumably through oxytocin release) also aids this movement. If a sperm meets the primary oocyte, the acrosome layer breaks through the wall of the primary oocyte and stimulates the second division – meiosis two – to create a secondary oocyte. The secondary polar body produced here is again redundant material. The wall of the ovum becomes impermeable to other sperm to prevent double fertilization. The genetic material from the single sperm cell is incorporated into the DNA of the secondary oocyte to form an ovum.

Interesting… sperm are 50um long whilst a secondary oocyte is 140um in diameter! (that is visible to some people!)…. Just visualise it!

This ovum travels down the oviduct to the uterus and (hopefully) imbeds in the endometrial layer. The cell releases hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin) that prevents the degeneration of the corpus luteum for roughly 12 weeks until the placenta is fully developed. After 12 weeks the placenta takes over the role of producing oestrogen and progesterone that maintain the endometrial layer and prevent the development of another oocyte by inhibiting FSH and LH. Progesterone also relaxes the muscles in the uterus wall to prevent damage to the foetus and potential miscarriage.

Back to placenta: the embryo developing a Chorion layer that protrudes into the uterus wall and forms finger-like protrusions called Choronic villi that have microvilli on the external side of the epithelial cell (outside) layer. Inside these villi a network of blood vessels bring the foetal blood close to the mother’s blood supply in the endometrial layer, so that diffusion can occur – note the two blood supplies never mix.

The foetal heart pumps (faster than the mother) deoxygenated blood out along the umbilical arteries. Gas exchange and exchange of nutrients / hormones / antibodies / urea occurs and fresh blood is transported back to the developing foetus along umbilical veins. HPL (Human Placental Lactogen) is involved in the development of breasts during pregnancy and adjusts the mother’s glucose and fat respiration to the advantage of the foetus. Most bacteria cannot cross the placental barrier but viruses such as Rubella and HIV can.

The foetus develops surrounded by a protective amniotic sac containing amniotic fluid. After roughly 38 weeks the level of progesterone decreases rapidly whilst the level of oestrogen increases. This makes the uterus more susceptible to oxytocin which is a neurotransmitter / hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. This causes the uterus to contract and the cervix begins to dilate (over a time period of up to 12 hours). A mucus plug that has blocked the cervix during pregnancy detaches and passes out through the vagina and the amniotic sac bursts. Hopefully the foetus has had the sense (and kindness) to rotate around so they can leave the uterus headfirst! (The opposite is a breach-birth and is even more painful!) A rare example of positive feedback: the high levels of oxytocin in the blood during labour, stimulates the release of more oxytocin. The rate of contractions increases steadily and when the cervix has dilated to 10cm diameter then head “engages” and the baby begins to emerge.

(I am slightly confused here: the baby’s skull is not yet fused together… so how does pushing it repeatedly very hard against the cervix and the pelvis not cause damage??)

Once the baby is in air they (We NEED a better gender-neutral pronoun!) begins to breathe and the umbilical cord is cut and tied off. Final contractions of the uterus cause the placental structures to detach from the endometrial layer and pass out of the vagina. Over the following weeks the (deciduous) endometrial layer decomposes and is also lost as progesterone and oestrogen levels fall again.

The final part of the female reproductive cycle is lactation. During pregnancy the presence of HPL (Human Placental Lactogen) allows oestrogen to stimulate the development of the duct systems in the breasts and progesterone to stimulate the development of milk glands. The high levels of progesterone and oestrogen also inhibit the production of prolactin.

After birth, as progesterone and oestrogen levels fall PRF (Prolactin Releasing Factor) is released from the hypothalamus and stimulates the anterior lobe of the pituitary gland to produce prolactin that is responsible for the production of milk. The milk contains lactose (glucose + galactose) along with fat, minerals, vitamins that are easy to digest. There is also a selection of the mother’s antibodies and viruses such as HIV (if she is positive). The suckling action of the baby stimulates nerves in the nipples that send messages to the hypothalamus to release PRF and to the posterior pituitary gland to produce oxytocin. Oxytocin causes the involuntary muscles around the milk glands to contract to force milk through the ducts and out through the nipple. PRF also causes the release of prolactin so the production of milk is maintained.

This process obviously only occurs when the baby is suckling.

 

xXx

21:02 Posted in Life , School , Science | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this

05/12/2008

On a biological brethe

OK... so whoever designed the human reproductive system was HIGH! Seriously.... let me give you a brief lesson. Hormones are in bold, other scientific words that I need to learn to spell (and that you might not know) are in italics.

 

Spermatogenisis (the male side)

 

The hypothalamus (in the brain) releases GnRH (Gonadatrophic Releasing Hormone - Gonads being the sex organs). This travels the short distance south to the Anterior Pituitary Gland. The Anterior Lobe of the Pituitary Gland is stimulated to produce FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) and ISCH (Intersticial Cell Stimulating Hormone - female equivilent is LH). These hormones then travel the long distances through many blood vessels to the testicles.

 

Now we need some anatomy. The testis is compised of seminiferous tubules (that make sperm) and then cells that make up the tissue between the tubules such as blood vessels and other intersticial cells. ISCH stimulates the intersticial cells to produce testosterone. Testosterone has several functions. The one you will all know is stiumlating the onset of secondary sexual characteristics in prepubescent males (poor things). Testosterone also stiumlate sertoli cells and inhibits the production of GnRH (more on that later).

 

Back to the seminiferous tubules. The walls of these tubules are comprised of highly specialised sertoli cells that govern the process of spermatogenisis. The outer cell layer of these tubules is a germinal epithelial layer - a source of unspecialised cells that can be transformed into sperm. These cells undergo meiosis, splitting twice to form 4 haploid cells - half the number of chromosomes. The first meiotic split halves the DNA content of the cell and create two haploid gametes (primary spermatocytes), the second split is just a staightforward cloning (as in mitosis) to produce the 4 haploid secondary spermatocytes.

 

The sertoli cell then governs the specification of these into spermatids and the sperm. This process involves the creation of a long flagellum (tail), production of many mitochondria in the middle piece to fuel the movement of the sperm, the digestion of the cell cytoplasm to reduce bulk and the production of an acrosome layer on the head of the spem which contains enzymes to break through the wall of the developed ovule (technically secondary oocyte).

 

The process of spermatogenis occurs from the external wall of the seminiferous tubule (the germinal epithelium) inwards towards the lumen (empty space of the tubule) in the centre. In effect average/normal cells go in on the outside and then fully fledged sperm are collected in seminiferous tubules as part of a continuous cycle.

 

This cycle is regulated by the inhibiting effects of testosterone and the inhibin produced as a by product of the action of sertoli cells. These two hormones stimulate the hypothalamus into *not* producing GnRH and therefore the Anterior Lobe of the Pituitary Gland is not stiumlated to produce ISCH and FSH. Consequently the rate of spermatogensis falls. Once the levels of inhibin and testosterone fall again then the is less (indirect) inhibition of ISCH and FSH and the rate of spermatogenisis rises. This is an example of the negative feedback of certain products (or by-products) of a reaction to maintain homeostasis.

 

Ok. So we have our sperm. The sperm produced and collected in the seminiferous tubules pass into small ducts called the vasa efferentia and then into the epididymis where they can be stored for up to 18 hours. Prior to ejaculation the sperm are moved the vas deferens (a muscular tube), the seminal vesicle releases mucus whilst the ejaculatory glands release an alkali solution to neutralise vaginal acids (Prostate Gland) and a solution of sugars to provide energy for the sperm on their travels (Coweper's Gland). This is mixture has now formed semen which will be released from the urethra by ejaculation.

 

Ejaculation is stimulated by increased supply of blood to the spongy tissue in the penis causing it to swell and harden and stiumlating the contaction of errectile tissue. Physical contact stimulates the glans penis which causes the muscles along the ejaculatory tract (the epididymis to the urethra) to contract moving the sperm/semen through the tract via peristalsis and finally the contraction of the urethra results in ejaculation.

 

Inside the femal the force of ejaculation propels *some* sperm into the uterus (/top of the vagina). In three days the sperm will have "swum" to the oviduct. Out of 500 million sperm only a few hundred reach the oocyte. Only one can ever fertilise.

 

It is interesting to note that there are also hormones in semen that stimulate muscular contraction of the uterus/oviducts to help the sperm reach the oocyte and improve the probability of fertilisation. There are only 5 million sperm in 5cm^3 of semen. The testies hang outside the body because the reactions involved occur at an optimum temperature of 35 degrees celcius.

 

 

WOW hasn't that taken the fun out of it!

 

And if you think that that might be a little complicated... sometime I might try to explain the female system which is approximately 4.7 times worse.

 

Anyone would think the intention of the entire process was failure... it certainally causes a significant stumbling block for most A Level students - And this really is the easy one.

 

I have decided this is a good way to revise. :P

 

xXx 

19:12 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , School , Science | Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this

05/09/2008

On a happier crotchet....

Just finished with the Ladies Baber-Shop choir and WE SOUND GOOD! lmao... we actually do. :D I love taking choirs, particularly when we are singing good music. I don't get the chance that often and though I suppose this choir is technically Sutcliff's baby, its great to have been so involved. 

 

In the space of 30 minutes we have gone from utterly fudging something to singing it pretty damn well. It didn't take the much either. Just a little bit of breaking things apart and working on lines in pairs. Saying difficult rhythms before we sang them. Working out how parts linked together and where things were either consonant or dissonant. Things I have learnt from countless choir directors over the last decade and a bit (from their successes and mistkaes). Elementary stuff.

 

Practise. 

 

The choir just needed a few corners ironing out. Just a few odd notes coorrected and rhythms reheased to precision. Just a little confidense and familiarity. OH and fun! Lots of laughs, lots of jokes... lots of arguments over who was more stunning: The Alto's or Sopranos (The Metzos decided they won hands down anyway). But it is truly wonderful to work with a choir who will be in hysterics and then you count them 4 in and they find their note and start singing! :D  Makes such a difference.

 

But I am good at it. It is one of the few things I'll admit I am good at. And I love it so much.  

 

xXx 

 

PS: Please excuse the appalling pun... it's my blog and I'll write what I like however much it insults the English language.

10:17 Posted in Fun , Life , Music | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

Its a new dawn... A new day...

And for those of you who read my facebook status, it isn't much better at all really.

 

I don't think I'll ever really question what I did. By the end of it I had no choice in the matter. A series of mistakes (from all parties) had pushed things to a more than unpleasent conclusion and as far as I can see - even in hindsight - I had very few choices left.

 

Hurting someone out of necessity prompts enough guilt. But that isn't the hard bit. The hard bit is that you can never be sure of your reasons; never be sure how much of what drove you was necessity and how much was just final retaliation at being pushed too far. Who can day how much was a desperate attempt to sort out the conequences of a mistake and how much was just hitting out and hitting hard.

 

It may have been necessity, but the necessity might well only have been an excuse in your mind.

 

And that bugs me somewhat.

 

Ignorance is no excuse, giving up is no excuse... necessity is a poor one.... cruelty and revenge is heartless.

 

I suppose the solution is:

• Would I now (in calmer and rational hindsight) do things differetly?            No.
  
• Did I hate them then or now?                                                            No.

And that, regretfully, must be my answer. The past haas been and gone and I hope this time around I learnt my lessons. It seems regrettably that some level of cruelty is part of life. And maybe the more significant part of it is how much it hurts us when we are forced to choose the lesser of two evils. Maybe what defines us is not what we do but the ultimate reasons behind it.

 

More importantly, maybe we are defined by how we react and respond to our own acts of cruelty - necessary or unnecessary. Do we feel guilt? Do we try to learn, to study where things became inevitable and strive to avoid a repetition. Do we deal with the fall out responsibly and rationally.

 

In a world where too often it seems that our choices aren't between black and white, but varying shades of grey and greyer... Maybe what we have to hold on to is our own integrity: our intentions, our compassion... and ultimately our strength and determination that by the end of it we will try to do right by those around us. 

 

And if the end result hurts us as much as it hurt them, and still you would not change what you chose... then it may well have been right, and you may well find the strength to live with yourself someday, and it may well work out for the better in the end (Only God could tell you that) ... But you will have learnt something.

 

And that is what life seems to be about for the most part. 

 

xXx 

07:25 Posted in Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

05/01/2008

Few words... big thoughts

1. I like the Anglican Communion service.

 

Wonderful as it is to o things differently, much as I truly love the original and art / meditation / "free" services... there is something reassuring about tradration. It is not something to be relied upon, or taken as absolute. But sometimes you just need the familiarity of words you have said since birth - a little like sometimes you need to read a book you've read 100 times before, or listen to a song you know by heart, or sit on your favourite bench and pass the time of day. Today was one of those days I needed to feel at home... unfortunately I go to a Methodist School... so they messed all the words up anyway. But it was good to have communion again, it's been a while.

 

2. I miss labwork

 

The thing is that despite finding classroom science intrinsically dull, I really very much enjoyed lab work. And I was good at it. I still am if today's basic transformation is anything to go by. Although I DETEST the BioRad "School's Protocols" - It takes them 2 sides of A4 to say what I can sum up in 28 words! But I miss the level of concentration and organisation and dexterity that is needed foreven the most basic experiments. I really *must* go back to it sometime.

 

3. It's strange what makes you forgive people.

 

Many of you know that my Music teacher and I have not been on the best of terms lately. I have been failing to make his life easy from him and he has been making me cry (or hit things).... Deadlines, panic but mostly pride contributed to both side's rather rigid perspective. Yesterday evening my teacher was taking his dog for a walk. And his dog (who is very old, smelly and completely deaf) decided he had better ideas. Said dog chose to, instead of lagging 4 or 5 metres behind as per normal, run rings around his owner. So I had the delight of seeing my teachers (suit and all) flailing wildly, spinning on the spot, grabing handfuls of air as he struggled (for a good minute) to catch this semi-decrepid canine. It made me laugh. 

 

It also made me remember that everyone has their days when nothing goes right. And that when multiple people have those days (or weeks) simultaneously then the results are not proportional, they are exponential.

 

It made me forgive him

 

4. Sun is glorious, but rain is still soothing.

 

I went to sleep last night with the sound of the rain pouring off the guttering dumming it's own rhythm in my ears. Normally all I hear is the hiss of the heating and the infrequent mumblings of the lives of those around me as they too prepare for the night. The rain is something else. I'm not sure how much of it was the steady rhythm, how much the idea of washing everything that was "yesterday" away and how much of it was the anticipation of tomorrows rich green and lush scents, but the sound calmed me.

 

Which is impressive as I was quite restless last night.

 

5. I like, liking going home.

 

It's been a long time sicne I've wanted to go home. A long time since that has been a destination of choice as opposed to duty (there are obvious exceptions to this, but I am speaking from a general point of view). I really quite love the fact that home is becoming something to look forward to. It is a surreal sensation. ... However difficult things get blood runs thickly in my family - maybe that is where a lot of the problems stem from... I don't know.

 

I'm just enjoying the change in my perspective, refreshing... and comforting.

 

xXx 

 

 

12:14 Posted in Faith , Fun , Life , School , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

04/30/2008

When...

When you struggle to write fluently because you have bruised the lower end of your right humerus and it HURTS...

 

When you choose your shoes carefully so they don't rub against the scratch you have over the top... 

 

When hand cream becomes utterly superficial and yet you buy several gallons of the stuff.

 

When you seem to spend more time in the shower than anywhere else!

 

When you find yourself scouring second hand stores for odd bits and bobs that would otherwise end up in the skip. 

 

When you cease to measure days by the rain and instead keep careful notes of forces gusting to...

 

When you catch yourself directing people port and starboard.... not left and right...

 

 

 

 

Then you know the sailing season has begun....

 

 

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

 

 

Ok, some of the last ones might be a little exagerated, but even so... I am happy. We are racing on the tenth. RSM is going to get us off all day so we can race in all three instead of just the two we need to qualify. teehee. :D

 

xXx 

09:05 Posted in Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

04/22/2008

Tuesday the Impossible...

And so it dawns. Well I assume it did because it was dark when I went to sleep and now it is light (cloudy and grey) but light.

 

Today for the first time in what must be years, I lay in bed and read before getting up. I'd forgotten how lovely a feeling it was. I must do it again sometime soon, tomorrow is looking good except its 8am communion which I'd sort of like to go to. hmm... choices. I could do both I suppose.

 

Looking forward to today far less.  4 hours of lessons including one Biology Unit 5 paper (closed book) for 2 hours and then a Chemistry (REAL) assessed practical. This is closely followed by a hurried lunch and sailing. I sprint from the water-stores to the shower, into supper and over to choir where I will sing dutifully from 6:30 until 8. Then I MUST do oboe practise. After that I can not go to sleep as I would like because I am required to do the washing up at 10:30pm.

 

I don't think its the individual activities that bother me so much as the way they all seem to un into each other and I am busy from 8:20am through to 9pm... 

 

A little excessive I feel.

 

xXx 

07:07 Posted in Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

04/21/2008

2 Funny Stories and 7 not so unusual things:

1.    Only in the movies?

Please note that all circumstances have been changed in this story to save embarrassment… The punch-line is still the same.

A long day at the office – they all are really aren’t they? This particular day had been shorter than most as the final hour or so had involved a “brief” visit to the Technical Advisory Body (TAB in boss-speak). The actual issue – setting up the PR system for a presentation next Thursday – had taken all of 6 minutes and the rest of the time had been spent in genial conversation and mild banter.

“Yes, well… you know how it goes…. She seems to be managing fine, not too embarrassed – well at least she doesn’t blush much when I see her…” Luke Briar’s (known by his surname for some reason that had been long-since forgotten) voice drifted through the haze of Rhi’s coffee and landed softly in the depths of her consciousness.

Curiosity piqued her interjection was more than a little blunt (or to the point as I’m sure she would rather have it described), “Who? What? Why? When?”

Ok, maybe blunt would be the best description. The questions were rebuked harshly with an emphatic insistence that the person in question would not their “situation” to be broadcast across the entire company. This was followed rapidly by a selection of retorts, the most convincing of which seemed to insist that Rhi should be told as well as Sam because she was trustworthy and he wasn’t. At this Sam objected vehemently – notably not to the accusation of his indiscretion.

The time passed and various tactics were used in attempts to obtain the information. Briar’s drink was stolen (and warmed), biscuits were with-held, buttons were pressed that shouldn’t have been, bribes offered, blackmail suggested; rewards and threats heaped one on to the other, and still Briar did not budge. He had the moral high ground and apparently rather liked the view.

The hour passed and 5:30 came, and went again with surprising agility. And still Rhi had not discovered the gossip. It had been an amusing afternoon and in any case it was hardly essential that she know. A few last quips to Briar and she would go home.

“Well I know it was one of the secretaries... I’ll just go ask them.”

“No! Don’t! They’ll know it was me.”

“Yes, but they’ll also know you didn’t tell me… mind you, I doubt that will bother them. So you’d better tell me just to make sure. I know it’s something to do with that visiting Professor from Princeton talking about … oh God even I can’t remember, some sort of client psychology jargon.”

“Psychology of Clients and their response to advertising… It isn’t that great anyway. All that happened was that one of the secretaries refused to let the Professor in because they were female and she’d been told that the visitor was a Professor Terri McMalon. Hardly side-splitting.”

Rhi grinned, “Amusing… no not life-changing, but amusing none-the-less. I’ll see you next week then when I can’t get this stupid presentation to work and start frothing at the mouth?”

“Sure. But don’t make a point of it. I know that Alison is looking for promotion and having that gossip broadcast around would do her no favours at all.”

Rhi looked behind her, wide-eyed and gripping the door for support as her face broke into a grin.

“Shit” was all Briar could say, “Shit, Shit, Shit Shit, Shit, Shit,” and Rhi dissolved into fits of hysteria.

She was still giggling as she collected her bag and rummaged for her keys.

It had been a long day, yes, but shorter than many.



2.    Could have happened to anyone.

It really could have happened to anyone. It isn’t even as though I consciously did anything wrong… just a slight misjudgement on my part with some less fortunate consequences. It really could have happened to anyone. I suppose the more important thing is that it happened to me.

So I chose and rigged a boat, a 420 to be precise. I always love sailing the 420s, heavy and not the most manoeuvrable of dinghies, but fast (comparatively) and they have space to move around easily in. Then I was given a gift of crew, some poor year nine kid who had sailed once before – last week in light wind and in a pico with a friend.

Having been advised not to laugh on the lee shore of the spit (and head off on a near reach) but move my vessel around to the other side, I duly complied and stuck my new team-mate into the front to keep him out of the way. Everything was ready and I had even explained to him how to put the centreboard down as soon as we were out deep enough. All that needed doing was to launch the boat and jump in ready to grab the tiller and mainsheet and sail off on an easy run – less efficient but ultimately less complicated or scary for inexperienced sailors. Experience has taught me differently.

The second part – gaining control of the boat was easy enough, the sails could be left to do what they pleased, and the rudders/tillers on a 420 I find much easier to manage in a hurry than on the laser series. It was the first part of the plan that caused me a problem.

I think a little history is needed here. I sailed on and off through the summer. I sailed 420s solo. I sailed in light winds. Very few boats sail well in light winds. Very few boats sail particularly well on a run without a spinnaker.
The only mistake I actually made was to misjudge the speed the boat would travel in decent wind. I misjudged by about 30cm, if that. Hardly critical? Well… that 30cm landed me in the water behind my boat when I jumped.

The wind caught the sails and she went like a dream. With my lonely crewmember ashen faced staring blankly at where I should have landed.

Apparently the boat dragged me some 30m across the lagoon before I managed to swim around. I persuaded my crew to lean over my side and let me climb in at the shrouds. (No mean feat I assume you as he was convinced he’d capsize the boat with us both on the same side and kept moving away from me just as I got a hold.) I climbed in, tacked around, and headed out into the lagoon.

Next accident was to gybe just before a gust.

He didn’t want to helm that day.

7. I didn’t wear a Jacket to Assembly – even though I was performing.
6. I lived mostly off toast and butter… four or five pieces in fact to make up for break / lunch /
5. I stole chocolate from Paul – thank you
4. I spend a sizable portion of the day in the music school – oboe, recital notes, talking to Sutcliff and SJ
3. I spent a sizable portion of the day on msn – but I also worked whilst I did that.
2. I had 30 minutes of timetabled lessons – unusually I actually worked for 15 minutes of it; walking to the Kent room and logging on to the incomprehensibly slow school network occupied the other 15 minutes.
1. I ache all over – a side effect of sailing for 2 hours and dancing for 4… but triceps and abs are killing (and that is all over for me!! Before you quibble… Stuart! (or Kit/Stephen/Steve/Paul/Em…) ... ☹ Happy pain though so ☺

xXx

20:32 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Life , Office Blog , School | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

04/16/2008

And in complete contrast

Ruth is happy now because:

 

• She passed her timed swims for the second time - 60s (out of 65) to swim 20m to casulty, and tow them back on a torpedo and then 42s (out of 45) to swim 20 meters to a downed casulty, turn them over and tow them another 10m back. It is somewhat amusing that the swimming out there takes me around 15 seconds crawl... the torperdo tow back is slower due to weight and drag... the drowned casulty (arm tow) takes me ages because my side-stroke leg kick is APPALLINGLY weak... seriously! something to work on there methinks - lengths of practising towing... fun for all the family!

• She page-turned for a concert today. Organ lunch time recital. And has realised that... 1. she isn't *that* bad, 2. she could be ok or even good if she practise, 3. there is a tonne!!! of music worth learning, 4. some of it she is capable of learning now, 5. some of it she has!! - Concerts always make Ruty HAPPY! particularly when she can watch people play. *

• The lunch she had with the people afterwards was really good fun. There were some very interesting people who speak: Irish, English, Dutch, German, Chinese... at least! And have travelled lots of places, have many good stories and most importantly a real appreciation of good tea and good music! :D The lunch was also complimentary. :D

• Her oboe is no longer sick. (Although it looks like she will need to spend £120 on a full service, and £160 on altering some keywork and £100 on new reeds for next year and (hopefully) still be able to buy some new music. *

• It was sunny.

• She had tomatoe soup with cheese melted in it for supper. And even though she is very full now, it is the happy, staited and content *full*.

• Black Books never ceases to be funny.

• Heather came to say Hi :D and distracted her from work for a very long time, mostly with poetry. She got an email from a friend today, and had a lovey afternoon chatting with Chris :D and is meeting another friend for drinks tomorrow. And she didn't have to talk to her housemistress AT ALL today.

• She knows enough for her lifeguarding test tomorrow... first aid is so logical and almost, well intuitive is the closest word, and the rest of it is basically common sense. She does wish that she found it easier to remember the meaning of R.I.D.D.O.R - Reporting of Incidents, Diseases, Dangerous Occurances Regulation.... HUH!

• She slept all morning, but found 2 lovely text messages when she woke up thanks to Steve and Stuart.

• She is listening to an amazing singer called Eleanor McEvoy :D

BUT MOSTLY

 

• Her boyfriend just rang her... and that sort of just added to the generally list of "good-things" 
  

xXx

20:49 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

04/15/2008

... And another...

I AM feeling communicative today aren't I... :S

 

Partly because I am at home and so these ramblings end up online instead of just in my notebook or head! 

Partly because I just seem to be in a *musing* sort of mood.

Partly because writing is a wonderful way of procrastinating.

Mostly because I am awake and it is 2:30am!

 

I dislike coffee... it does strange things to my body... Like making me sick and unable to stomach anything other than water (and only that at a push). It also keeps me awake and conscious which is the obvious advantage to the rather unpleasant reality of ingesting known toxins. 

 

Has actually been very interesting researching the oboe... wonderful book of my mothers that has a complete analysis of one of the pieces I am playing in my recital. Which reminds me I must get a sick oboe mended tomorrow! :S Very lonely without! I'm curious to see how the research changes the way I play! ... Still trying to find ANYTHING on this mysteriously non-existent Weber Concertino; I am beginning to suspect that it was written for Clarinet first and then altered. I might have to change it to the Schumann Romanzes. I will ask tomorrow... today.

 

I love research... I rarely get a chance to do any... apparently it is a waste of time with regards to my A Level course - *swears in an obscene and vulgar manner to no one inparticular*

 

Will let you know how the rest goes.

 

I shall now finish this episode of Black Books and then true to sleep... and pray my stomach stops complaining

 

xXx 

 

 

 

 

01:44 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Music | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this

Procrastination for the nation....

... Well mostly for me actually. You know how it gets when work is pressing but not essential.

 

In fairness I have been very good today. P1 I straightened my hair, put makeup on and then did 40 mins research for my program notes. P2 I had chemistry practical exam which seemed straight-forward enough at the time. Break I was social and discussed tea, nutella, the American elections and German Politics. Then I skived the next 90 mintues followed by a little more research and lunch. Gospel choir, chat to PMD, visit Paul and watch the first half of Euro-Trip then do 45 minutes Organ Practise (Frank - Piece Heroique). Assembly was followed by more socialness in the form of the school fete (most of which seemed to be either food or getting people wet with sponges or water pistols). The evening was another choir followed by revising unit one biology - DNA, transcription, translation and the formation of proteins. I chatted to JMJD for a while and then came home, washed up, made tea (:D lots of tea!), read one book on the history of the oboe and Mummy just gave me another to look through.... Chatted to friend and boyfriend... and now...

 

Well now I am sitting in bed, thinking about working but writing this instead - well aware that the pro-plus will keep me functional for at least another 120 minutes if I wish it to. hmmm.

 

She is knitting again
The tenth ball this week
Vibrant colour,
A tactile sport
Yes, I s'pose I see the appeal

She is knitting again
And who can say why
She never used to before
Told me she
"Couldn't"

Before what?

She is knitting again
A scarf made for me
And a jumper for you
The colour
The touch
The caress of thread
Against fingers
Or face
Or shoulders
Neck, arms or head?

Even knots can be beautiful

She is knitting again
The tenth ball this week
Vibrant colour
A tactile sport.
Yes I am glad

She is knitting again.

 

xXx

00:10 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Poetry , School | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

03/23/2008

Chapter 4 - which is far too full of love

I love it when it is so cold that it hurts my face, but everything feels so clear and so alive.

 

I love wearing warm jumpers and long socks and curling up with a good book.

 

I love going running in the rain and dancing in all the puddles.

 

I love knowing that I've done something well

 

I love finding out what is on the other side of the mountain.

 

I love the smell of my hands after a few hours working in the garden. 

 

I love telling the stories of the people depicted in paintings.

 

I love to watching the fire burn; or glowing embers.

 

I love feeling the wind against my skin.

 

I love waltzing around the kitchen.

 

I love sitting and tuning at a piano for hours and hours.

 

I love going out at night when the rest of the world is fast asleep. 

 

I love dressing up fancy for no good reason. 

 

I love making my friends laugh. 

 

I love finding pictures in the clouds.

 

I love kicking up the leaves.

 

I love...

xXx

02:13 Posted in Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

03/20/2008

Home...

Well I'm back. And whilst I got used to the cold up North (took a few hours!), my room is still freezing - it is 04:43 and my heating has been off for 4 days now with no people in the room! Consequently, I am now curled up in my duvet and very warm and snuggly dressing gown (one of my few PINK items of clothing, so to speak) wearing my favourite jumper (red with teddy bears on) and for some reason (unknown) writing a blog post instead of sleeping.

 

Hey ho - it is what I do.

 

Went on Uni visits... I'm sure I will talk about this more either here or with people in person.

 

I LOVED the city of Durham. I am GOING to live there at some point in my life - if only for a year or two. In fact I Love the north generally and would really like to move up there... Cambridge is beautiful... but it is so ... clean-cut? ... compared to Durham. Although I did find the two surprisingly similar in style and aura. 

I did not like the course... or rather, I didn't like the fact that they were ashamed of being academic about music.

 

Edinburgh City grew on me over the course of the day. At first it was just another city... (despite living in suburbs all my life I am most definitely *not* a city girl.) But over the course of the day I wondered around areas, found green, found little quirky shops that I loved, found a very good pizza place and most important of all found LOTS and LOTS of jazz, folk, salsa, shows, concerts, gigs, ceilidhs and music in general. It wasn't until the end of the day that I saw the sea... and that sealed it for me. I also love Edinburgh... Maybe not so much as Durham (It is still very much a city)... but I could easily love living there!  I will go back and visit again in the summer :D

The course is also fantastic. Academic but with some performing. And the university has a really very impressive collection of concert halls, organs and MANY MANY MANY early instruments :D :D :D :D :D :D :D lol.... I also liked the lecturer and the way the student showing us around was holding a cope of "Music and the Reformation in England" - a brilliant period to study the socio-histoical context of music! 

 

I am now going to have fun comparing to Cambridge... wish me luck!

 

*************

 

It is strange when you give your heart to something... particularly when you've spent so long swearing violently against it. 

 

I seem to be doing that far too much at the moment; I'm not sure how many hearts I have left. 

04:56 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Music , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (5) | Email this

03/06/2008

A Post of Happy Things

• I have chosen my first option for University. I will accept the place at Girton, Cambridge. The decision has taken a while - even though I knew what it would be in the end (confusing eh?), but I needed to be sure that I was happy with it and I am. I loved the college the first time I saw it, the course is brilliant and opportunities to play are just silly really. But I have to say what clinched it was having access to The Round, The Reels Society... and all the other opportunities for dance. Oh, and the Library!!!! :P (But that is fa too geeky to write here :P)

• I have filled out the Sidmouth Stewarding Application form for Sidmouth. I will be attending, I will be camping, I will be dancing in the street in my bare bare feet (to coin a phrase) and in the ford, and in the sea, and around the Ham... I will be attending breakfast and cream tea workshops with rigorous regularity and I WILL BE HAVING FUN!

• I have almost finished sorting out all the paperwork that has ended up at school.... Not actually done much with it yet, but it is all in neat piles all over my bed - might sleep on the floor today :P

• I passed both timed swims. The air may have tasted of acidic smoke, I may have caughed all night, I may have been cold, I may have had a headache... but I PASSED THE TIMED SWIMS!!! I *Can* do it... and I am happy.

• I played the Albinoni Oboe duet with Chi yesterday - she playec flute :P It was so much fun. There is little better than playing with someone, particularly when that person actually wants to pkay and make music with you and so does communicate and put emotion into her playing. We'll learn it and see if we can get it recorded. :D Was great fun. Need to find some more now. Maybe one that is writted for oboe and flute.
  

• Got training program for the gym. Got to love Alex. He is so lovely. Anyway, been meaning to for ages - otherwise I just go along and run for far too long and then go home again. So getting a program working mostly on strength and flexibility (sailing and dancing). One hour core muslces, which is my favourite one because, even though it doesn't build up much of a sweat, you really feel like you've done something afterwards. Then another set of weights and funness and then one cardio and endurance set. 'Tis all good fun. :D But it is also very good to know what you are doing to your body when you exercise, how you might damage it and also how you can put it right again.
  

• It was sunny yesterday. However much I rant about my school,the capus is stunning on occasion (depends a lot on light levels). But at the moment the entrie deerpark is drowned in yellow daffodils or tiny blue flowers that I don't know the name of. Next time it is that lovely I shall go for a walk by the river - I've missed it this winter.

xXx

13:42 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Life , Music | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this

02/23/2008

A world to believe in...

Everyone believes in something. That fact is inescapable. Whilst we may denounce religion, faith, law, scientific research, animal rights, human rights, politics and even our friends or family, everyone believes something. People believe in their friends, people believe in their job or abilities and people believe in their affluence, estate  and the power they hold. People believe they are right and they form opinions of the beliefs that other hold. Some people even believe in a God. In the worst scenario I suppose that a person could believe that nothing is worthy of trust. That is still a belief, albeit a desperate one.

 

Very few people believe in this world.  

 

A free media report a degenerating and desolate world. We hear stories of abduction, murder, rape, genocide, poverty, debt, pollution, exticition, terrorism, disease, faillure, famine, war, drugs, deceit... And then the situation becomes worse, and suddenly we hear nothing. Who knows what is going on in Burmah now? 

 

Hope seems to be a very personal thing. Does anyone dare hope for anything greater than a good home and secure livelyhood? People talk blithely of changing the world until quizzed, then they pour forth a host of reasons why the revolution must wait. First, they say, TNCs have to act, the government must pass more laws, celebrities need to take a stand. I have heard them call on the wealthy, the unemployed, the old, the young... in short everyone who is not them. Why does no one put their neck out saying, "I am here and I will stand for what is right, what is good,"? 

 

Count the number of people you know who believe that there is hope for this world as a whole. Count the number of people you know who believe that change will ever happen on a large scale. Let me know if you need two hands. 

 

How can we expect people to stand without hope?

 

I can't say that there is much I've hoped for at all in the past few months. I think that *getting by* has been the order of the day and much of the time I have ended up acting impulsively, going from pillar to post without any idea of where I am going or where I want to end up. As a result I've lost things and people I value, hurt those I care for and done a number of things I regret intensely. I understand why so many people find oblivion preferable - "drinking through the lies and broken promises".

 

Archbishop Rowan said something very curious today at his talk in Cambridge. In the Gospel of John, the first two things Jesus says are, "What do you want?" and "Come and see." He used this point in explaining what faith is and how people find it. He also said that it was a little like listening to Bach's St Matthew Passion... it could (is) be glorious, but to enjoy it fully you had to sit through the entire thing - no one ever advertises a "St Matthew Passion in 10 minutes". Neither is it always particularly easy to listen to.

 

As the Archibishops were talking this evening it was strange to watch everyone hanging onto thier every word. The building was packed, even strangers on the street were coming to the door and asking why "all of Cambridge are here tonight" ("It's like the blooming Tardis"). People laughed and they smiled, they clapped and then they were silent. Hard questions were asked and brutally honest answers given. The evening was packed with thoughts and ideas, intelligent answers that make no assumptions left much room for pondering - there was too much to take in in one evening. But I think near everyone walk away infected by the passion and realtistic hope that those two wise men embodied. No false promises or dreams of converting the universe, just a deep set hope in a world that we can believe in.

 

I now know why thousands flocked to hear Martin Luther King speak. Hope is infectious.  

 

And for the first time in a good many months I began to think about what I could do - what I hoped for. It is important to know what you want, and to take the time to find out. But that is only the start... the harder thing is to take the risk and to come and see where that desire and hope will lead you.

 

I don't know where I will go, or where I will end up. I don't know what I will do with the time I have. I don't expect to be great or influencial. Neither do I particularly want it. I want to live a life that I wont be ashamed of. I want to do what I can, where I can for the people I meet. I want to find some sense of peace and wholeness in myself, not split myself over 2 or 3 completely different lifestyles and struggle to find the balance between them. I want to believe in this world and the people in it; that there is "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow".

 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions." Proverbs 31:25-26

 

That is what I want. And I think that is worth the pain and trauma of "coming to see".

 

xXx 

 

 

07:33 Posted in Faith , Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this

02/19/2008

Going forwards, looking back

Haunted is the only word I can use. Nothing sinister or evil, nothing of the forboding one might generally associate with the word, but haunted nonetheless. The only thing to fear is the ever-present risk of becoming lost in the warm delights of peace and nostalgia. And that is a powerful risk. Just a strain of music - a favourite song seldom played - or an idle conversation and the floodgates open leaving you overwhelmed by things long since lost. Haunted. 

 

Do you remember the walk up the hill, so tiring - even if you were lucky and had someone pushing you up? Do you remember racing up? Do you remember trying to dance bare-foot on gravel? Or the time when we ran to the bus-stop a pint in each hand (and a half for the sister) just so we could see a good friend off.

 

There we were: skirts over jeans over boots (or wellie); assorted tops, jumpers and coats enfolding our sholders - the epitomy of *odd* but oh, so in love with life. I remember I was ill that summer, but I don't remember anything else. Whatever ailed me has been lost in a haze of sun, light, music and above all... movement.

 

The polka in the concert - dodging sleeping babies.

 

Or stillness... Like when we walked to the beach the other side of the gardens. You tried to psycho-analyse me (who knows if you suceeded or not)... The horse was particularly amusing given later events, I have to say I think it was (from one angle) completely inaccurate - but maybe not. Do you remember just lying there? Or watching the waves?

 

Do you remember when you beat me skimming stones for the first (and only!) time? 

 

I still remember the journey home. The saddest memory perhapse, or maybe just the hardest... the most vivid of them all. Staring through the window as the sea vanishes behind us. Almost too tired to stay awake when we visit friends. The familiar sights and signs as we reach the East... 50 miles, 20 miles, 3 miles ... home.

 

It is hard to believe I almost didn't stay.

 

So there we are - haunted.  

 

xXx

 

(Note - the *we* or *you* refers to several people) 

 

22:15 Posted in Life , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

02/08/2008

My life in lyrics - Prizzes if you guess all the songs

"A touch of concealer beneath the eyes, a stroke of mascara gives a look of surprise"

"She likes to wake up in the morning and just fake it"

 

 

"So if you're thinking of leaving one boot out the door - it looks more like leaving to me"

"Bye Bye my old friend, never gonna see my face again"

 "It's only forever, not long at all"

 

 

"Farewell friends, I hear the call, the ships beside the stony wall" 

"I must go down to the seas again,
to the vagrant gypsy life,"

 

 

 

"I wouldn't have to answer for the promises I broke, like the president today when he drank and snorted coke."

"We hurt the ones we love the most. (It's a subtle form of compliment)"

"With friends like these, who needs enemies"

 

 

"Love is a curious thing, butterfly's fragile wing"

"The father's song, the father's love, he sang it over me, and forever... it is written on my heart"

"Love to the loveless shown,
That they might lovely be.
O who am I, that for my sake
My Lord should take, frail flesh and die?"

 

"I'm flying high, defying gravity"

"Cause you are the wind beneath my wings" 

"A champagne supernova in the sky"

"And nothing's gonna hold me back" 

"And if it seems too much like happy ever after... maybe it will be, for a little while"

 

xXx 

11:21 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Music | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

01/23/2008

Back from Recluse

And so this latest batch of exams is over. i have probably worked harder for some of these (in particular C3 MATHS) than any in my life. And yet I still doubt there will be much to show for it save my exhaustion, some absolutely stunning bags under my eyes a few more than offended friends and one heck of a lot of piano playing.

 

So in RunDown (to save me saying more than necessary):

 

C3 Maths

Went ok, well even, I answered everything, thought I knew how to do most things. Most of the paper was either proove or solve ... and all my answers fitted, so it should be OK. Of course, that belief has let me down before. I hope that all the practise paid out. I did better than last time and will predict A or B

 

Unit 2 Chemistry

Again, the paper went ok. With the Edexcel Chemistry mark scheme it is more a question of semantic than words and the "correct" semantics vary greatly from year to year. An A in Chemistry is purely luck not skill... and a C is just careless. Was retaking as a matter of pride more than anything else, but still no idea if the answers will be correct according to A Level - pretty certain of the accuracy from a scientific point of view. Predict A or B

 

Unit 4 Chemistry

Loved this paper for one mark in a 3 mark question. "Show that Aluminium is amphoteric using ionic equations". Well firstly I read the question and noticed the need for ionic equations (you'd be surprised just how many times I failed to do that on practise papers!) and then I spent at leats 10 minutes of the exam trying to work out the equation for the OH- reaction and managed to get it in the last 20seconds from first principles :D. The rest of the paper was straightforward except for Question 2: name the reactive groups.... could identify not name. But really... that one mark makes up for everything (and yes, the first thing I did back in house was to check my answer!). Again with Chemistry we have the discrepancy between answers, knowledge, science and marks...and I was averaging Ds in practise papers before revision, so I will predict an A or B unless I have be especially stupid.

 

Unit 4 Maths

Now this would be the paper I shouldn't have taken. My deepest thanks to my Father and Bert for teaching me the course, Sue and Mr Wilson for their patients and Deveson, Anna and Lucy for putting up with my panicking. I was still not ready to take the paper. Everyone came out saying that was the hardest thing they've ever done (they said that after C3 maths as well!) and I am actually inclined to disagree... C3 was harder first time around. Questions 1-5 were fine except for potential silly errors. Quesiton 6 I forgot about the exitence of the quadratic formula (AGAIN!!!), Quesiton 7 I couldn't do, Question 8 asked for an answer to 1dp and I got 0.6 (which seems odd), Question 9a I think I got correct at the last minute (and I will get follow through marks) and 9b... who knows. Integration by parts is always touch and go as I get my signs mixed up when I rush! Anyway... I am babelling. If I get everything I answered fully right I got 81%. If I get everything I wrote down right I got closer to 85%. If I only get the things I know are right, right I got 63%. So I predict B or C

 

Unit 4 Biology

Home run isn't it? Something like that... Wins the prize on the most orinigal order to answer questions (worse than Chemistry 4 for dipping into each one). Also the only paper to have time to spare (C3 did, but I used it to check :P). I didn't bother checking written answers this year. Theory being that if my logic is correct, I will have written it well, and if it is incorrect I am not going to have a sudden flash of inspiration (more likely to change a correct thing than correct an inaccuracy). It is also so tiresome reading through the long answers when you have just spent 10 or 15 minutes writing them. One long question I didn't have a clue and blagged, a couple of one markers that I guessed the right word. Isn't it strange how the exam paper always seems completely different to the practise ones. I was blagging A's in those without much revision at all... I hope the trend continues. I am going to take a risk and predict an A. Actually I really don't know what this mark scheme will be like (Edexcel Biology is usually very good for science vs marks) and there are a couple I am not sure if I picked the right lines so despite saying A I actually thing A or B

 

Summer Plans? If necessary (i.e. my average isn't an A) retake C4 maths when I should have taken it. If a low B or C in any of the Chemistry or Biology then retake, otherwise live and know Units 5 and 6 (synoptic) BACKWARDS, SIDEWAYS and in the FOURTH DIMENSION! (Apparently both are far more common sense and application as opposed to rote learning which suits me.)

 

Lent term plans? Read! Read! Read! Study. Set up the PCR stuff that school bought from BioRad. Work out how to use the machine for any experiment they want to do (not just the prepared kits). Music. Music Music. Prepare for next year. Sort of vaguelly go over the AS level biology and chemistry. Actually, I might just alternate weeks of them - ie. 1 week unit 1 biology followed by a week unit 1 chemistry.... that would work.

 

On more important matters

 

MAWKIN ARE PLAYING A CEILIDH IN CAMBRIDGE AND I AM GOING..... EAT YOUR HEART OUT FOLKIES!!

(Love you all dearly and can't wait to see everyone again next summer... probably before if things work out well. Can't do IVFDF I don't think... but there's Cheltenham and Chippenham, and I swore I'd get to a gig that wasn't in Cambridge so see you 'll there! :P)

 

xXx 

 

 

11:28 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , FOLK , Fun , Life , School | Permalink | Comments (3) | Email this

12/26/2007

She is alive

1000 visits this month... and I have written nothing. That is rather odd, but thank you all the same. I apologise for being so lax (as it appears that some people find this interesting :P) and I shall make no excuses. C'est la vie and that is all I can say. I am currently trying to photomanipulate a montage style image with the worlds slowest computer outside of Granta... so this post may well be quite long as I attempt to pass the time.  (I am very tempted to just print out the photos, cut and stick, scan, merge harsh edges and print again... but that would lose all the image quality so I shall make so... for the moment)

 

Another Christmas over... and a highly amusing one although I think most of the humour was based upon "had to be there" moments, or family history so I shan't bore you with much of it now. Only to say that conversation covered: my now sadly deceased newborn twins, which of the Pritchard brothers was most likely to be deported, how my aunnts (nearly) won the"Scene it" Friends game, THE CARPET and why Sara really needs to read her book on feminism...

 

Today has been less amusing... another set of pressies opened... a rather cute chick flick and now this. Cycling over to waterbeach later which will be lovely as the weather is gorgeous.Slightly chilly, but clear skies and Early March sunshine... the tulips will come up soon.... except for the fact that it is DECEMBER! .... ah

 

I have just realised that the birds didn't migrate/hibernate/die this year. Usually the strangest thing about winter is the silence outside my window... and not being woken at 5am by the starlings squabbing over bread lest over from last nights tea. And absolutely nothing to watch out the window of boring lessons. But at the moment I can see: 2 magpies, 2 blackbirds (male), 1 blackbird (female), a sparrow, 2 pigeons (doesn't really count) and a few others in the distance. The thrush has gone, and the finches... but otherwise everyone is here. That is slightly worrying.

 

And now I really really really want to go walking. Love cities up to a point, but I'd swap them for moors and mountains any day. Who wants to go to Northumbria in Febuary half term?? To let anyone who doesn't alreayd know, know... I have accepted the placement in Almaty and will spend all of next year reading, dancing, playing, teaching, walking and hopefully skiing. :D Watching this space for more excited jabbering.

 

But for now I actually want to finish these pictures before 3! so I shall vanish.

 

xXx 

14:15 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Fun , Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

09/20/2007

Sleep

Oh childish sleep
How you taunt, with leaden weights, these eyes;
Your fair promises, false as Jacob and his sheepskin -
Deceptive - of rest to this
My weary soul

 

Oh fickle sleep
With Delilah's constancy you flit,
Oh! so graceful, between you lovers with
Caresses and wining smiles - will you not
Remedy my loneliness
This cold night?

 

Oh cruel sleep,
Denying your company, salatious visitations to all but
the most needy, leaving a scent - calling cared
Dropped carelessly on a
Cold pillow

 

Oh honest coffee!
A students delight, oft warm and kindly
Companion through the night -
Soft kisses, quench the sting of dear sleeps flight.

 

xXx 

 

 

13:00 Posted in Life , Poetry , Thoughts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

09/19/2007

News and literature

After a protracted period of silence I feel strongly persuaded to present you with a plethora of progessions in my otherwise pedestrain life. :P (I realised after the second p that I could have some fun with this sentance and I will once again use the time-old excuse... its MY blog!)

 

Anyway... to those of you who do not already know, I am doing music at Uni!!  :D And over the moon. Seriously, my cheecks are complaining because I am grinning to much. Not only do I now have time to do the things I wish to do (like practise, or read, or draw or listen), but no! This is encouraged in me. Active development of skills outside the classroom is encouraged and praised. No longer do I have to feel guilty for practising for more than the allotted 45 minutes. I am free! And it is wonderful. 

 

And as for my degree... I can't wait. 

 

Along with this I have given up Further maths. This is a less joy-bringing development, I do enjoy maths and will be sorry so see it go (despite the extreme hang-hold it had on my time). However, I do not enjoy - and neither am I good at - so that is less of a loss. And as I need the time, am not certain of an A, and do not enjoy the course I woulkd have to take it seemed like the logical conclusion. I will pick maths up again when I have time and inclination (If this means never I will be dissapointed, but so be it). 

 

Music itself is going well. I still need to order reeds from Howarths, so that will happen tomorrow. Started playing piano again - a glorious piece of Schumann! Which I will do in a concert sometime. Might pester one of the teachers to give me playing advice, but it seems fairly self-explanitory. Organ is organ. Some brilliant hymns, and even better volentaries. The head decided to announce my scholarship in assembly, I don't know how I feel about that.  :S  oh... and how do I tell the difference between Sibeleus and Wagner? ("Sounds like toffee pudding" applies to both!)

 

Went to the English Society last night. Which I have a strange feeling I enjoyed more than the English Students there. The talk was basically on "what is literature" and the perspective was that literature is a piece of writing that intrinsically serves no purpose and that now (with the rise in consumerisation) we no longer have literature as all written word is a comodity. Here I must disagree with a several issues:

 

• Publised books have always been a comodity; nowadays that comodity is accecisble to all instead of just the wealthy.
• If literature serves no purpose then there can be no literature written in the past as all historical literature gives us significant insight into that culture and how social states functioned during that period. Literature also allows us to develop our understanding of people and how people see things - it is in essence one persons view on a scenario be it imaginary or the combination of a series of events theyhave experienced.
• All writing has a purpose as it is written (perhapse not conciously so). People write what they feel, how they think, what polotics they support and abhor, the qualities they admire or distain - all these factors come across through good literature as the author (in part) tries to communicate and promote their own beliefs. Few people positively advertise that which they dislike.
• True, part of the beauty of literature is that is is based in fantasy and does not point to specific instances in time and tangible objects or events (and in this sense it is nothingness and "useless") but this does not mean it serves no purpose. If we limit purpose to the epirical then we limit all sense of culture/unity/emotion/faith/belief and also all sense of identity and history. We can not bring out our sense of beloninging (to a family or a group) as an object to see when it is discussed (Guliver's Travels - the philosophers) and neither can we identify a specific purpose for literatue that is ubiquitous. This does not mean one does not exist.
• The moment we try to define literature, to categorise it, to class it and treat it as something which can be contained and measured then we loose sight of so much, you cannot qualify the emotive and the beautiful. Why is something beautiful? Because it fulfills the golden ratio? Or because we take pleasure in it? Because the colours do not comflict? Or because it reminds us of a time we were happy?
  

Sorry, that was an incredibly badly constructed set of arguments/thoughts. My head is still reeling slightly as it was a very in depth talk. You will not be surprised to hear that I said nothing during the questions time!

 

Anyway, I should go do something productive (shocking isn't it!)... probably organ! But there is another character pending in office blog... so I think I shall post another episode of that, hopefully a little more amusing than the last.

 

xXx 

14:23 Posted in Complete Random Junk! , Life , Literature , Music , News , Thoughts |