If life were a bowl of cherries...

Is it ever worth being unhappy in the present for the sake of something you might do in the future?

It is ever worth ebing unhappy in the present for the sake of something you will do in the future?

In a world of 6.7 billion people is it ever right to only be accountable to yourself?

What gives us the right to judge others if they believe they are doing right?

xXx

If people loose respect for you for being who you are then they are not worth your time.

If someone has a problem with you and you don't even *think* about why then you are not worth their time.
--You have the right to believe their problem is erroneous, not to ignore them without thought.

You can not be put down by someone who you don't either respect or want to respect.

There is nothing wrong with being young and passionate and believe everything is vital. It makes life interesting. It is a lot simpler to live in the knowledge that things will work out whether or not you panic about them. There is no shortcut to this knowledge. You would miss out if you found one.

It is one thing to believe you can change the world, it is another to believe you can change yourself. To do that you must first believe, without guilt, that there is a reason to change.

Everything has consequences.

The most important question to ask yourself is, "What do I want." Only then can you decide whether what you are doing is worth the losses.

If being noticed is important to you then choose the size of your pond carefully.

You should always do something in your life where your worth is judged by no one other than yourself.

Everyone has a value to you on some level. It is useful not to forget what they can do for you in your treatment of them.

You might loose touch with old friends, but you never loose them.

And finally one from my fantastic secondary school form tutor ... "Choose your battles wisely!"

xXx

There is a significant improvement in the aesthetic pleasure offered by your surroundings when tempered by the fact that you will not have to look on them again.

It is possible for a plumber to paddle his way across a bathroom floor and *still* maintain that nothing is broken

Time does *not* run proportional to any constant.

Packing should NEVER happen until the last mintue.... otherwise you will have nothing to do with it!      

Procrastination is not an art form - it is a beautiful and perfected way of life.

xXx 

Sometime, around February this year a good friend of mine made a rather a profound statement. Well actually he made it to a then friend of mine during a discussion that was later repeated to me,

"I don't think even Ruth knows what she wants." 

He was right.

It can be surprising how quickly things change.

I dont know if I can put it into words. I don't know if I can explain it. I don't even know if it makes sense. But that doesn't matter, it is my life, my choice and my desire. There is no one I have to justify it to.

I want to give as much as I can whenever I can. I want to be useful. I want to have a house or appartment of my own. I want to have the run of a country should I chose it. I want to be able to chose the time I go out and the time I come home. I want to be able to cook my meals or go out for dinner as I wish. I want to be able to walk to the pub. I want to dance. I want to be able to act on whim.  I want to see people smile. I want to laugh. I want to play for hours and no one mind. I want to see the people I love change.

I want to go walking in the park in the rain wearing my red skirt and my green shoes and coat.

I want to grin because it is sunny and the flowers are smiling.

I want to love.

I want to learn.

I want to live.

Most of all I want to live.

For me, for what I can do and for what I can aim for. For what I enjoy and what is worthwhile even though I don't. I want to have stories to tell and memories to share. I want to be able to look back and say that I havn't wasted the time that was mine to use.

It' going to be fun.

xXx 

Have you ever danced... something new and utterly unfamiliar... yet somehow the music and movement seemed so natural with each step flowing seemlessly into the next?

Have you ever found a perfect harmony to the perfect melody... one that strikes just the right note of dissonance to catch the heartstrings?

Have you ever smiled so much your cheecks ached ... and it was still worth the energy?

Have you ever baked a cake you couldn't stop eating?

Have you ever talked into the night without knowing the time?

Why did you leave it? 

xXx 

What do I want…? (In bold I have the opportunity to do, italics are a maybe)

-         To be somewhere I can play music safely, frequently and with some accountability (teachers/churches/people to poke me)

-         To save some money - both for use and to save for Edinburgh.

-         To know my family to and friends will be safe and I can get to them if I need to

-         To have independence - to be able to go out when I want both alone and in a group, to be able to safely go for runs.

-         To feel like I am contributing meaningfully to something.

-         Privacy... ... !!!!!!! (I.e. not having someone open my door without waiting for an answer!)

-         To be somewhere new / different... out of Cambridge

-         To have people to share my experiences with

-         Internet / way to keep up with friends and family

-         To feel I can actually contribute something to my relationship with my boyfriend

-         To finish the music/songs I am messing around with

-         To finish the painting

-         To finish the poems

-         To swim and lifeguard

-         To do my diploma singing

-         To become proficient at organ - enough to play at a church regularly with some integrity.

-         Learn the Ovid Metamorphosis :D - not to perform, just for technicality

-         To be able to do some of my kayaking / RYA / Powerboat courses

Of these: which are vital

-         To be somewhere I can play music

-         To have independence

-         To feel like I am contributing meaningfully to something.

-         Privacy

-         Communications

Of these which do I have here for certain.

….

….

Ah

Any thoughts?

xXx

The difference between bravery and stupidity:

 It's bravery when things go well. 

It's stupidity when they don't.

xXx

I have new reeds. Howarths also offer a very nice Student discount on their reeds so I got 5 reeds and C. P. E. Bach's Sonta in G minor for something silly like £60. :D This equals a slightly excitable (and excited) Ruth. ~ apparently this is a good thing and should be repeated. I also very much like the fact that I can walk in, borrow an oboe and TRY all the reeds before I buy them. This way I have a very good set to take away that includes:

• Some playable now (i.e. 40mins to blow in)
• Some playable later (i.e. a few days/ weeks)
• Some beautifully rich
• Some more piercing but easier to play for rehearsals or long scales/fingerwork practises

It is strange though... I've started reading around science again. Or just having conversations with people. Like the other night we were at the pub and ended up discussing quantum physics vs evolution vs global change vs environment with two complete randomer's who joined our table. I sort of wish I had the confidence to do that - just join a table. But hey, there is time I s'pose. Great conversation though.

Or the other day trying to work out if there was any logic in allowing extra-terrestrial races (in sci-fi plots) to have both evolved, peaked and then died into nothing long before human technology allows us to discover the ruins. The argument was that we have to assume that the big bang is a limiting factor for all species. We also have to assume that is takes a certain length of time to form a planet and then form a planet capable of supporting life (even if their equivilent of a respiratory pigment isn't oxygen). The species on this planet then have to evolve conciousness, then industry, then technology. Ok, planets form at different times and species evolve in different ways and at different rates depending on the selection pressure and the nature of the species (gestation period being a rather obvious limiting factor). But, is there really enough lee-way to invent entire species of *higher* beings that have lived and died whilst our planet was still in its infancy?

I don't think I can actually answer this as I don't know enough about the time frame of the history of the Universe, but I would guess not. Particularly as most of these races seem to be far more technologically advanced and therefore will have developed ways to make themselves resiliant to extinction (so to speak). Mind you, it is true that they tend to have bewiped out by some catastrophy or other and then our daring human pilots and scientists can go in and use all this amazing alien technology that can be so easily adapted for human (no alien) use! ... but that is another debate.

Stuart is now laughing at me. Apparently my disdain for his reed-soaking abilities is comical! (NEW REEDS)

Anyway... it seems the dichotomy is still there. Music? Science? Music and science? Teaching? Performing? Writing? Lifeguarding? Proffesional snake charmer? ... and I still want to own that cafe!

Poly-chotomy seems a more appropriate term.

But I fear I am being anti-social and shall vanish (like magic, or some strange alien technology :P) - forgive me my childishness, new music does this to me!

xXx

I used to think that there would come a "right time"; that there would be a time and a place and a set of circumstances that would be safe. I used to think that sometime I would find the space to go through all my old demons and ghosts from unfading memories in the same way that every summer I have time to go through all the junk that accumlates in my bedroom. I used to go through my days and weeks putting everything I felt and saw and heard on hold (so to speak) and storing it all up until this magical time came when I would be allowed a few months free of all responsability and commitment. Then, and only then, would I sort through the mess that I had kept locked away for all those years. Then, and only then, would I free myself to move on.

Until that point, the effects of everything that happened would simply be postponed.

Then I stopped believing that that "right time" would ever happen. But I still kept storing it all. That caused a little bit of mess.

That might be a slight understatement.

Recently I have been developing a new theory. I talked it over with a close friend of mine and she seems to be coming to the same conclusion. Whether this proves my progress and personal development or whether this simply confirms my insanity is yet to be decided :P I'm sure it makes little difference either way.

In a sense I was partially right in both my previous theories. There will never be a "right time". There will never be a time in anyone's life when all those things that make the days drag, those thing that make the nightmares linger... there will never be a time when those disappear. There is always something new, always something else to be getting on with. 

And that in itself is a gift (if you learn to see it the right way). I am rather too curious about what tomorrow will bring, to give up totally on today.

But I have come to the conclusion that whilst there is never a right time, a right place or the right circumstances to make you step back, ackowledge what you are and then get on with it, there may be the right people - or person.

And that suddenly, when you least expect it... and certainally when you are least ready or prepared for change... these people swan into your life and create havoc. And suddenly there is no time to question whether this is the right time or the wrong time. Suddenly you don't stop to decide whether it is safe to air old wounds and luggage that is holding you back. Suddenly, none of that matters.

Something gives you the strenght to throw caution far beyond anywhere the winds have gone before.

Something gives you the courage to take the risk.

Something gives you the confidence to dare to stand and not to run or hide or pretend...

And generally that something doesn't give you a choice.

So no, there isn't a time when it all becomes easy and you can methodically sort through a lifetime of crap. And there isn't a time when all the people who expect and demand things of you inexplicably decide to look the other way.

But there will come a time when you meet people who turn your life upside down and inside out.

And you'll be amazed at what comes out in the wash       -       half the time without you even realising it.

xXx 

It should not affect me so much. It shouldn't. Or effect if that is the right one. It shouldn't... but it does.

That is all.

Nothing more and nothing less.

But when you don't have the time to crash, you do what you can to keep yourself moving.

Anything you can.

Such is the way.

It's a pity really

xXx